It’s boyfriend’s fault that I’m cheating
QUESTION: I’m 28, in a relationship for seven months (best friends for 10 years). We’ve talked about moving in next year, kids, marriage.
However, a couple of months ago, I saw on his phone that he was looking online for bi-experimentation.
While he never went through with it, it shocked me, based on situations in my past with cheating and lying.
He has since been seeing a sex therapist, because he has a much-lower libido than me, and to sort out his issues regarding sex.
His ex-girlfriend had put him down for wanting to try certain things with her, so he’s always been afraid.
With me, he worried that due to his lower sex drive, he wasn’t pleasing me.
When I discovered his emails, I went crazy, feeling hurt and lost. That week, I started an affair. It’s still on.
I feel like crap sometimes because I’m so opposed to cheating. But I’m almost relieved that I could have this side, and this me-time.
I feel badly because he’s working hard on himself, devoted to me and our future.
I love him and want to spend my life with him.
I just don’t know why I don’t feel bad enough to end this affair. — Confused and Cheating
ANSWER: You’re not ready to plan a future, not with someone you feel no guilt about betraying.
Sure, he was the first to err through online curiosity, not cheating. Now he’s addressing his sexual issues for you, while you have it off with someone else.
You’ve walked blithely into an affair, like you’re owed it because of past hurts. Never mind the man you claim to love.
Get to your own counselling, fast. Drop the affair and come clean with your guy.
If you can’t do that, break up. You’ve both experienced a personal crisis. He’s working through his, you’ve opted for deceitful self-indulgence.
Since your past experiences have numbed you against being an honest partner to his efforts, you need “metime” for professional therapy.
QUESTION: My university-educated daughter-in-law doesn’t tidy up, cook, do laundry. She has a regular cleaning service. Her child, age four, is constantly rebuffed because mom spends most of her time online.
The house is littered with her shoes and soiled clothing. She buys expensively, then loses, breaks and tosses them like trash.
She claims she’s too exhausted after her desk-job work day to do “any more.”
My son does all of the household, yard work and child-rearing. He’s very tired, and disillusioned. I’m afraid he’ll lose love for her.
She refuses counselling. I help him with the laundry and babysit four evenings weekly so she can go to the gym. I’ve never had a disagreement with her, but have lost so much respect, it’s hard to keep silent. — Worried Mother-In-Law
ANSWER: The expression among wise parents-in-law is this: Zip it.
That refers to your critical comments. The worst thing you can do for your grandchild is to create an enemy of her mother.
Your son’s coping. He must’ve known she was untidy and careless about possessions, from dating her.
Meanwhile, she works. There’s a cleaning service. They’re not living in dire straits.
Lots of parents are seemingly online constantly. Their child will be, too. You can’t change that with disapproval.
The couple may discover it’s healthier for their child to have some restrictions on screen time and personal devices. But that’s their battle to fight, not yours.
When you babysit, read to her. Buy her books and art supplies. Be loving and attentive. That’s your best role.
CLARIFICATION: In my June 7 column, a man wrote that he’s in a sexless marriage and “I’ve used massage therapists for release.” It’s important for our audience to know massage therapy is a regulated health profession in four Canadian provinces — Ontario, B.C., Newfoundland and New Brunswick with other provinces at various points along the path toward self-regulation. In each jurisdiction, the professional association or associations for massage therapy have established standards of practice that prohibit sexual interaction between a massage therapist and a patient. It’s likely this man is getting “massage” from an unlicensed practitioner. TIP OF THE DAY A secret outside affair doesn’t improve your relationship, it changes it.
Email ellie@thestar.ca