Charmer, cheater, user not worthy of your time

QUESTION: I met a guy online. It was instant attraction and connection on all levels. On our first date, he was all over me and offered sex, but I declined.

Since I was looking for a relationship, he was no longer interested in me, but we continued a nice friendship for nine months.

Then out of the blue, he was interested in me. We became intimate, and we both enjoyed the sex.

He kept saying we were friends-with-benefits. He was trying to minimize what we had.

We spoke daily, went shopping together, met for lunch, dinner and coffee, and discussed family and personal issues.

I learned that he cheated on his wife with a long affair, and was living with the woman who’d become his mistress.

He ruined his family to be with her, though he still continued to victimize many females online.

He was juggling four or five women at a time. He’s very charismatic, handsome, intelligent, with a fantastic smile.

He used me for many favours to save him money, as I’m well connected.

He even used me to buy his fiancee’s engagement ring from my diamond dealer. He kept saying the ring was for a family member.

He’s getting married this month. He continues to be online and is still cheating on her.

He’s still sometimes on my mind, and I miss the friendship we had. — It Wasn’t Just Sex

ANSWER: He’s a charmer, a cheater and a user.

He certainly considered you a useful “friend” (since he enjoyed your financial favours), but he’s set you free by marrying his mistress.

That’s lucky for you. Don’t let him charm you back into his net.

He’ll cheat again. That’s obviously his nature. Remember your own words: He “ruined” his family. There’s no relationship happiness with him, for anyone.

And don’t let the smile keep dazzling your perception. A truly caring guy doesn’t “use” his pals. And lie to them, as he did to you about the ring.

QUESTION: My friend smokes cheap cigarettes, lots of them, in his home and vehicle. He has a good-paying job and a nice home that’s foul because of this habit.

His clothes smell. He needs help cleaning up the smoke smell in his house, and never smoke indoors again, but I don’t know how to bring it up.

He wants to start a woodworking business out of his home, but with the current condition of the house, along with more smoking in the shop, nobody will want to purchase these items.

I’d love to be a kind, honest friend and say something, but I don’t know where to start. — A Friend’s Duty?

ANSWER: Stopping smoking has to be his choice, not yours. While it can be done, it’s an addiction that pervades a person’s whole life.

It requires determination and strong will to challenge this long-ingrained, addictive habit.

So, just expressing the foulness of the smell is unlikely to move him.

However, if he’s serious about having a home-based business, you may succeed if you approach thoughtfully.

Encourage his plan; praise his artisan’s skills. Mention that he’ll unfortunately lose potential customers who can’t tolerate the smell of stale nicotine or being in a smoking environment. Let him mull that over himself. If you see any interest at all, suggest he research the many smoking cessation programs available. There are also some medications that are helpful.

Be aware that, as a good friend, he’ll need your understanding and support if he does quit smoking, while he goes through the process.

QUESTION: Our grandson, 10, is a bedwetter. His mother, an educator, thinks he’d be traumatized if confronted by a physician who diagnoses a bladder issue.

Or, if a mechanical bed-wetting alarm is used to wake him when urine leaks.

No one wants to discuss this. I think it’s a disservice to my grandson.

He cannot have sleepovers and must wear an adult diaper to bed.

I see his embarrassment whenever I’m staying over, as he drags wet sheets to the laundry room.

My son shares my concern but doesn’t want to challenge his wife who thinks it’ll “solve itself.”

This discussion must take place with a physician, I think, but I don’t want to interfere.

ANSWER: They likely all know what you think, so yes, do not interfere.

The boy will want a solution soon enough, the father will speak up; the mother will do research and choose a course of action. TIP OF THE DAY A charmer is the most incorrigible type of cheater, because he can get “friends” to accept his schemes.

Email ellie@thestar.ca