Future surgeon has no time for his wife

QUESTION: My husband of two years finished his course last year as a cardio-thoracic surgeon.

From the first day of my marriage till today I’ve never spent a whole day with him.

He says that all these struggles will only be for two years, then everything will be OK.

The first year, I didn’t mind. I was like, everything will be OK. After a few years, I can spend more time with him.

But now I’m losing hope. I fear that he’s giving me false hope, and that I’ll end up losing my youthful days. — Lonely Wife

ANSWER: I understand the loneliness and disappointment that can follow the fantasy-like dream of life after the wedding: Young and in love, it’s easy to picture romantic strolls together, hours of talking about dreams for the future, the adventure of seeing places and life itself as a team.

Then reality: A man who spent years of study and training to have the skills of a specialist surgeon who can save lives, plus the hospital and patient demands for his time, has few hours left for anything but brief connection and sleep.

It won’t change completely in two years, but it can become a marriage in which you truly are a partner in ways that you have not yet tried.

First, pursue interests of your own, and enjoy outings with close friends and family. In other words, develop some independent goals and activities, which are an important part of adult life, whether married or not.

The more satisfied you become with yourself, the more energy and positivism you bring to the time when you’re with your husband.

To despair now is to give up before you’ve tried what you can do, and disparage all that he has done to be the man he is whom you married.

READER’S COMMENTARY: Regarding letter writers’ responses to, “Do You Out A Cheater?:

All the comments were about men having cheated on wives and/or girlfriends. Women cheat too, so let’s be truthful about that.

Many years ago, my brother was overseas and married his hometown Canadian girlfriend while there. It was her idea to get married and he went with the flow.

Several months later, he sent her home to visit her family. When there, she went to an old boyfriend’s apartment and rocked his world one night. (The guy told me about it).

Then she went back overseas. I held off telling my brother until they returned together many months later.

He confronted her, and she revealed that she also slept with three of her current coworkers since she was back in Canada. That was it for the marriage. Around the same time, I found out that my then-girlfriend had an affair on me. Looking into it further, I found she’d also been sleeping with co-workers, old boyfriends,... lots...

At the same time she was mentioning marriage to me. Thankfully, I never got sucked into that.

When it comes to cheating, I don’t think women have the moral high ground here.

Ellie: Cheating has no gender bias. A scan of letters in my columns reveal this fact. Yet, when I recently asked for feedback on “outing” a cheater, the stories told were indeed only about men cheating. Until yours arrived to make your point. Interestingly, while men do write me such stories at the time of their being betrayed, they’re often more shocked that it could happen to them, than women are in similar circumstances. Thanks for sharing. FEEDBACK: Regarding the father who advises his two attractive and outspoken adult daughters to marry “wimps” who’ll put up with their strong “abrasive” personalities:

Reader: As a woman in her 30s, I was insulted by his comments, so I can only imagine how his daughters feel.

Perhaps their short relationships are because they know their worth and what they can offer a relationship, and don’t want to settle for the wrong person.

If this dad wants a relationship with his daughters, he better switch his tone to understanding the gifts that they bring to his life rather than telling them to settle.

No woman should ever settle for less than she is worth. Ever.

Ellie: I’m with you, as was clear in my response to this man.

In his longer letter than I could publish, he bad-mouthed the girls’ mother and other relatives (I left that out) along with insulting his daughters. TIP OF THE DAY Beyond romance, finding personal independence and satisfaction help create a healthy partnership. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca Follow @ellieadvice