Writer wonders if gay is OK

QUESTION: I’m 20 and I like men in their mid- or late-20s to early-30s. Is this OK or normal?

I don’t want anyone to say anything negative about this, as I’m now an adult myself.

ANSWER: Such a short statement, yet carrying so much concern in the question.

You give few details, so I’m taking from your sparse words, that you’re a male acknowledging your attraction to other males.

Your next statement indicates that you have some anxiety about what people (perhaps your family, or community) think about you identifying sexually as a gay adult.

The definitions of what’s normal in today’s society includes the reality of being gay and seeking relationships with people of the same sex.

Yes, your attractions and feelings are normal.

There may be religious and cultural arguments about that statement, but being gay is part of our demographic makeup in North America and many other parts of the world.

However, the definition of what’s OK has to come from within you.

If there are people in your life who insist that your sexual identity or attractions are not OK, this is your challenge to overcome.

Coming out can be scary if you fear disapproval or outright rejection.

Counselling can help you. Also, the Internet has many websites that offer advice and tips to people who want to come out.

QUESTION: My mom allowed my sister and her son to move in with her after her long-term relationship ended (because of her son’s behaviour).

He constantly lies, steals beer, smokes pot in his room, throws temper tantrums, punches holes in walls, and smashes things.

He yells, swears and calls his grandmother and mother inappropriate names. His father isn’t in the picture.

My sister knows that he needs help. She and my brother hate each other due to all the drama. I’m stuck in the middle.

I think the kid needs to be in foster care until he can smarten up but my sister doesn’t see it.

I’m afraid for my mom’s safety but she won’t stay at my place. She’s had a black eye from this kid before. She never calls the cops or reports anything.

Should I report the issues or wait until they move out (in a month)? — Fearing Trouble

ANSWER: One month isn’t a long time, but the danger is real due to the grandson’s volatile personality.

Yes, he’s a potential threat to your mother.

Though your sister should make sure that doesn’t happen, she’s unlikely to report her son to child welfare authorities or police.

However, reporting him may eventually become a necessity.

Meantime, for this short period, tell your mother that staying in that atmosphere could land her in hospital, with the “kid” being removed from the family into care.

He, too, should be warned that if anyone is harmed, he will be reported and face consequences.

This boy or teenager (you haven’t said) undoubtedly needs a professional mental health check and diagnosis, plus treatment for his issues that obviously include lack of anger control.

Once your sister moves out with him, you can be an important force in the family, by helping her see that getting him to a mental health specialist is essential — either through a doctor’s referral, child welfare services, or, if there’s an incident, the court system.

It won’t be easy. But better to try, than to wait till his anger explodes in some manner that harms many, as well as himself. TIP OF THE DAY For LGBTQ people who are apprehensive about coming out, an Internet search provides many websites that can be helpful.

Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. ellie@thestar.ca.