Stick with Fitzpatrick’s hot hand and take Minnesota to beat up on Buffalo

Dejected, you scrape the last of your almond butter onto a charred slice of toast. You would have spread yourself the peanut variety — but you don’t deserve it. Crunching into its offensive blandness, you chew and ponder sadly, wondering if it was possible to predict that Tavon Austin would score more points than Odell Beckham Jr.

Your eyes flicker to the funereal scene on your laptop: a fantasy football league — with your name at the bottom of it.

Jerrick McKinnon’s ACL is torn, Joe Mixon’s knee is a mystery, and you feel yourself running out of luck. You brush your toast crumbs into your filling garbage with your hopes as low as Nathan Peterman jersey sales.

Your second straight loss is officially complete, but your season is not done. Written below is fantasy dogma: read, win, celebrate.

SMART STARTS

Put the following players in your lineup for Week 3:

Ryan Fitzpatrick vs. Pittsburgh Steelers

Imagine if David Blaine and Hermione Granger had an athletic child and named him Ryan. That decidedly unlikely scenario is, inexplicably, more likely than the truth: after two weeks into the 2018 NFL season, backup quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick is fantasy football’s highest-scoring player.

After shredding the Saints’ defence in Week 1, Fitzmagic proceeded to torch the defending Super Bowl champs (Philidelphia). His Monday Night showdown against The Steelers should prove no different.

Minnesota Vikings D/ST vs. Buffalo Bills

There is such cacophonous ridicule of the Buffalo Bills right now that I would feel bad about insulting them one more time in this column. Sure, they have proven to be the league’s eye-sore so far — but if you are brave enough to approach the flames and peer through the dumpster-fire, there is greatness to be seen in the team’s future.

That greatness will not start in Week 3. Minnesota D/ST will obliterate the bills.

Geovani Bernard vs. Carolina Panthers

Though his name suggests him to be a Sicilian sommelier, Bernard is set to be the bellcow bruiser for the Bengals courtesy of Mixon’s knee injury.

Although the Bengals will bring up a rookie running back to form a committee situation, Geo will be rock solid as a starter for the next few weeks.

FIT TO SIT

Put the following players on your bench for Week 3:

Jordy Nelson vs. Miami Dolphins

Many things in life get better with age. Jordy Nelson is not one of those things. Though he is not entirely to blame (Jon Gruden’s inept play-calling and Derek Carr’s spotty QB play have been factors thus far), I would rather have Nelson Mandela in my lineup this week than this geriatric member of Oakland’s receiving corps.

Frank Gore vs. Oakland Raiders

The secondly elderly player in this week’s sit section. Though known for his tireless heroics, it is time to re-examine the usefulness of this hero. Think of him like Superman, but instead of his weakness being kryptonite, it is grass. You are now thinking of Frank.

Zane Gonzalez vs. Football

Too soon? Week 3 is almost upon us. Steamclean your jersey, garnish your piecharts, and thank your oracle. Toby Collis Handford is a fourth-year English major at UBCO, a flag football wide receiver, and a fantasy football champion. Email: toby.collishandford@gmail.com.