Snowbirds amassing at U.S. border
Dear Editor: A White House senior aide has disclosed that the sheer number of retired Canadians amassing along the northern border is creating consternation amongst top State Department and the Department of Homeland Security. Experts anticipate that half a million of these snowbirds will migrate to the U.S. over the next month, dwarfing the immigrant caravan crossing Mexico, and placing undue stress on the quality of life for many Americans, while posing a growing security threat.
“It’s too much,” lamented the anonymous aide. “It’s a struggle for citizens in Florida, Arizona and California to find a tee time, the pickleball courts are full and God help you if you want to find a parking spot at an outlet shopping mall. My parents tried to register for a ukulele festival in Sedona and couldn’t get in because of all the Canadians.”
Evidence collected last winter raised concerns that the normally reserved Canadians are exhibiting more uncivilized behaviour these days.
“We have reports that Canadians were telling jokes about our president. And across the southern US, pot-bellied over-the-hill Canadians in pastel golf shirts would walk into bars in the late afternoon, demanding $2.50 for highballs and a buck and a half for a beer, proclaiming that happy hour, happy hour was here. Like they were tragically hip or something.”
The aide was asked if anxiety surrounding the Canadian caravan permeated the White House.
“Look, I can’t speak for everyone here, but we love Canadians Conrad Black, the Reichmann family, Pamela Anderson. We love poutine. We are generous patrons of Canadian culture, especially the Montreal cabaret scene. But we cannot ignore the burden this influx of Canadians places on us.”
The security concerns are heightened by Canada’s recent decision to legalize recreational marijuana. U.S. officials are wary of baby boomer potheads bringing their debauched drug habits over the border.
“It seems they’ve all been told to say the same thing to our immigration officers,” said the aide. “When they ask Canadians if they have ever consumed marijuana, they get this apathetic stare and the standard response, ‘Who me? Uh, no officer. It’s a travesty, this legalization thing.’
“We’ve searched luggage and repeatedly found boxes of instant brownie mix hidden under lumberjack coats, but there’s nothing we can do.”
The Canadian snowbirds want to ensure that empathetic Americans understand their plight. One traveller going through US immigration at the Calgary airport with a detection dog sniffing at his privates put it this way: “We sacrifice a lot leaving our homeland each winter — Caesars, people saying ‘your welcome’ instead of ‘uh-huh,’ 24/7 coverage of the Leafs on TSN. But you must realize that we suffer from a brutally oppressive environmental regime. We have to seek seasonal asylum in your country.”
This is expected to become a pivotal issue in the run-up to the U.S. mid-term elections. Canadians are advised to slip over the border while they still can.
Tim Simard, West Kelowna