No more recommending Julio Jones at midway mark

Woah, woah, we’re halfway there. Woah woah, Julio despair. Since becoming a columnist for this paper, I have worked assiduously over statistical prognostications for all things fantasy.

Dogeared notepads litter my room with various fantasy predictions; my clairvoyance accurately saw the fall of Amari Cooper, the irrelevance of Martavis Bryant, and the erasure of Rashaad Penny hype.

Yet, there is one player who has proved more than elusive for me to predict: Julio Enigma Jones. He is the bane of my fantasy existence. He is the constant reminder of my Sisyphean prediction task. He is the man with no touchdown — a fact I have yet to gracefully accept.

With the fantasy season halfway done, I turn the page on this dismal chapter of Julio’s end-zone absence.

Readers, your playoff run starts here: run as hard as Marshawn Lynch. Bad example.

SMART STARTS

Put the following players in your lineup for Week 8:

C.J. Uzomah vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Two weeks ago, starting Bengals TE Tyler Eiffert went to Atlanta and had his ankle spun like a frisbee in a hurricane. Rising from the ashes of the fiery, tendon-tearing death of Eiffert’s ankle came the Wizard of Uz. Since assuming his role as a starter, C.J. has become a reliable target for the Red Rocket. Start him against the Bucs, who welcome TEs into their end zone like close family friends.

Indianapolis Defence vs. Oakland Raiders

John Gruden’s wife told him in August that “sometimes, things are too good to be true.” He must have taken this adage quite literally. Khalil Mack, an unblockable sledgehammer of a pass rusher, was traded. Now, it’s Amari Cooper’s turn to go. I’m not saying his consistency was impressive, but he was ailing QB Derek Carr’s most explosive pass-catching option. I smell disaster, which coincidentally is the name a of Al Davis’s choice cologne.

DeSean Jackson vs. Cincinnati Bengals

This Tampa Bay wide-out is more boom or bust than a 1930s gold mining expedition. While you should never feel confident starting him, you should always feel excited. If the wide-receiving duo of D-Jax and Mike Evans were a franchise, they’d be Fast and Furious.

FIT TO SIT

Put the following players on your bench for Week 8:

Tarik Cohen vs. New York Jets

Last week, the Cohen Brother exploded against New England, bursting to an 18-point stat-line courtesy of his receiving expertise.

With this said, it is worthwhile to mention that he only ran six times for 14 yards. He will not be able to capitalize off screen passes every week — this week against the Jets is one of those weeks.

Dalvin Cook vs. New Orleans Saints

Chef Dalvin has been confusing fantasy owners since the beginning of his hamstring struggles — he has only played three games all season for a total of 22 points. Although he is initially cleared to play this week, I’m not sure you’ll want to eat anything from his kitchen.

Justin Tucker vs. Carolina Panthers

The missing streak has already started. Toby Collis Handford is a fourth-year English major at UBCO, a flag football wide receiver, a fantasy football champion, and a weekly guest columnist for The Daily Courier. Email: toby.collishandford@gmail.com.