Boyfriend has a toxic mother

QUESTION: I cannot handle my boyfriend’s mother anymore. He doesn’t have the backbone to stop her butting-in habit. But he refuses to move out.

She’s done a lot for me and my son (from a previous relationship), which I appreciate.

But I never asked her for it, she offered. When I declined, she’d say, shut up. She also declines when I try to repay her.

I haven’t spoken to her in a while because she called my mother “dumb and slow,” for still working while she can’t afford to retire.

I cut ties with her to not lash back. But she threw everything she has done for me and my son in my face and called me names.

She frequently fakes injuries and pain for attention. She messaged me and my boyfriends’ friends calling him names including “fat.”

Should I stay silent or just let it out? It’s causing hardship on my relationship and my mental health.

ANSWER: This is a toxic environment for everyone involved, particularly your son.

I have difficulty understanding why, if you live with this woman (apparently, but unstated), you’d stay. Or, if you live separately, why you remain in your relationship (you don’t mention love).

Your boyfriend ignores her interference, plus insults to him and your mother. You decline her help, then accept it, knowing she’ll later taunt you about it.

The only reason for staying with her, and/or accepting help, is if you have no other choice.

But if you work and can rent somewhere for you and your son, that’s a solution, whereas “letting it out” at her is not.

Also, your boyfriend relationship needs a re-think, if you want a future in which you respect him.

QUESTION: I’m a girl, 13, whose mother’s dumb rules are taking a toll on my social life: 1) No social media until I’m 16, except YouTube; 2) Only communicate by email or the house phone; 3) No personal phone until high school; 4) No makeup until 17; 5) No privacy. She takes my current phone (from 2014, no SIM card) before I go to bed and checks if I’m breaking her rules.

I’ve broken most rules to have a social life like my friends. She’s caught me, gotten really angry.

I want to open up to her but whenever I try to compromise with these rules, she calls me ungrateful and we argue.

These rules only apply to me, not my younger brother and older sister.

How can I get my mother to compromise without being yelled at?

ANSWER: Your mom’s worried about you.

Teenage years present challenges to parents over how much independence to allow their child, in stages.

But you’ve already broken many rules, showing neediness of constant approval by friends. That’s why she can’t trust you.

Tell her that you want to be open with her, and discuss the rules without arguing. Then be prepared to listen as well as talk.

She’s given you a “starter” phone to use until you prove more responsible. That’s because inappropriate texting can get you into trouble through gossiping, being bullied or even from “stranger danger.”All those are potential hazards of careless texting on social media, and why she wants to be able to trust your judgment and actions.

Ask your mom about a “healthy-skin” glow like lightly-tinted lip gloss and clear eyelash conditioner gel, for your next birthday, provided you stick to her rules.

Though you want fun, she wants you safe. Trust her.

QUESTION: I was on a sleepover with my two best friends. One of them is cheating on her boyfriend. I told my boyfriend, but she didn’t know that.

I woke up to both friends going through my phone. The one who’s cheating went off on me about telling my boyfriend.

I understand I shouldn’t have told him, but their searching my phone crossed the line. What should I do?

ANSWER: You crossed the line first. Apologize.

If you disapprove of her cheating, you should have said so to her face, and helped her recognize how it not only betrays her boyfriend, but reflects negatively on her own reputation.

Instead, you basically gossiped about your best friend, which could be the start of everyone else talking about her and humiliating her boyfriend.

The girls’ search of your phone — likely seeking whom else you told — was also wrong, but a natural consequence. ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY Accepting frequent conflict isn’t worth the help you receive if you can provide for yourself.

Email ellie@thestar.ca