Get control with help from bank, lawyers
Q: I’m a 62-year-old woman, married for 20 years to the love of my life. I stuck with him through 10 years as the other woman. After his divorce, we married, and he promised me we’d never fight about money.
I’ve worked since high school. I’m a college graduate and experienced manager. Recently, my health deteriorated, and I’ve been unable to work.
His promise about money also changed since my illness and his retirement. We own two properties, have investments, but he’s taken away all of my financial freedom.
I’m facing imminent major surgery and am hoping to receive long overdue disability benefits. Meanwhile, he’s taken my debit card away and I have to ask him for money for gas and everything else. It’s demeaning.
When I try to reason with him he goes crazy. I have nowhere to go and will be facing months of recovery.
Worried and Upset
A: You haven’t stated whether you have your own bank accounts and whether when you married you signed a pre-nuptial agreement, such as granting your husband full ownership of the house.
I would hope you do have some money of your own and legal rights to the assets gained within your marriage.
You can learn your banking situation by calling your bank manager, and a lawyer would tell you your financial rights within the marriage. Even if you’re bedridden for a while, I’d hope you could call and/or email these two sources of information.
If you have any close relative or friend you trust, get support for insisting that your husband return your debit card and help reaching advisers. If his controlling behaviour increases, notifying a lawyer may become even more necessary.
Also research where there’s a government ombudsperson’s office that deals with seniors’ concerns that you can contact.
There’s another perspective on this, that I ask you to consider: If this is a major change in your husband’s treatment towards you, after many less-conflicted years, he may also be undergoing his own changes, e.g. increased anxiety, worry about your health, some negative effects on his own mental health.
I’m not making excuses for him, just adding possibilities as to why he’s behaving this way. If you do get into a legal wrangle with him over your access to funds, you may have to insist that he get a medical checkup.
For now, put your thoughts to healing from the surgeries. It’s natural that you’re feeling most vulnerable at this point, but you’ll be able to deal with these issues better when you’ve regained some strength, physically and emotionally.
Q: My daughter and her ex are both 23, lovers since age 17.
They fought a lot. At 19, they moved to a basement apartment. He got a fulltime, low-paying job, she worked a few hours on weekends. When he couldn’t afford the rent unless she got a proper job, she left him.
That was a year ago. She immediately found a guy with more income and moved in. She avoided me because I disapproved. Her boyfriend moped for months, then found someone he said he cared about.
Now, my daughter says she still loves him and they’re getting back together. I think they have a sick love because they can’t grow up.
What Can I Do?
A: You could encourage both to return to school for training that’ll help them earn better and live better. Only offer help (if affordable) on the condition that they stick to it. They’ll either grow up together or grow apart. ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY Being controlled financially calls for getting legal/financial advice. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.