Everyone’s angry at gossiping ex

QUESTION: My ex’s mom recently told me he was in an accident. I reached out to him and he was angry that his mom told me.

He’s too much to handle. But meantime, he told his guy friend everything I’d said during that call about my friend.

I think he did it to destroy my friendship. His friend (who’s her ex) told her, she said I’m a backstabber, but I was just venting to my ex so he could advise me what to do about her.

She’s very stubborn, blames everyone for her wrongs, thinks her adoptive parents are against her (I disagree), and she constantly drinks too much. Also, her ex cheated on her behind her back and he uses her.

I want to move on from this, but I have a guilty conscious and know I need to do something, but I don’t know what.

I did so much for her — helped her out a lot and have been trying to help her cope with her anxiety and depression and losing her job. But when I did try to help her, she’d say “you sound just like my mom.”

I don’t want people saying I’m the worst friend ever because I’m not. I’ve realized that I can’t trust a lot of people anymore.

ANSWER: Start trusting only yourself, by not gossiping about others. In a circle of friends who know each other, every drama gets blown up and shared further. The person who started it by revealing private information is the one blamed.

Meanwhile, the good intent you felt you had — wanting to help this girlfriend — just spread her troubles out for everyone to see, as the talk bounced to everyone who knows her.

If it also got circulated on social media — her excess drinking, job loss, depression — these are labels she has to live with among everyone who knows her.

Apologize, fast. Stop the disclaiming about only wanting to help, just say you’re so terribly sorry, it won’t ever happen again, and if she can ever forgive you, you’ll be the good friend that you intended to be.

READER’S COMMENTARY, PART 2: Regarding the woman who feared that a man with whom she had a one-night stand was stalking her:

I’m a counter-violence and advocacy trainer who believes this man is escalating his pursuit of her.

Message him, “You’re crossing the line. Leave me alone.” Then, stop replying.

If you wish to prepare for escalation, here are steps you may take: 1) Take photos of his car if he drives by, screen-shots of his call history, keep his text messages and emails and anything he sends you on social media. Record times, dates, locations and details about any interactions he imposes on you.

2) Tell friends, family, neighbours, co-workers “this guy is being creepy” followed by a description of him and his vehicle. Others may then photograph him where he shouldn’t be and doing things he shouldn’t be doing.

3) If you decide to go to police with this information, you’ll have a detailed record of what’s going on.

If he continues to escalate, multiple complaints with incident/report numbers may be necessary. And still, he may escalate each time.

Don’t apologize at this point, particularly for any perceived offence of “leading (him) on.” It makes you answerable to him and may contribute to disengaging becoming more difficult.

QUESTION: My 13-year-old daughter has alienated from me. For several years, her father and stepmother turned her against me. I need to move on with my life, unsure if it involves her.

I’ve tried everything to get her back and see that I was trying to protect her.

My relationship with my boyfriend of three years needs saving now.

ANSWER: Giving up on a child isn’t a promising way to save a boyfriend relationship.

Yes, it’s been devastating to have your daughter influenced against you. But it’s tougher to be that young girl, with her own teenage insecurities, while her father and stepmother wage war on her relationship with you. Now, she’ll learn that you’re abandoning her. It’s not a great message to your boyfriend, either, that you can do that.

Stay in touch with her however possible, saying that you love her, and hope to regain your relationship whenever she’s ready. Meanwhile, get legal advice. ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY When your circle of friends is small (including exes), gossip can blow it apart.

Email ellie@thestar.ca