Husband’s hot for Instagram models

QUESTION: I recently discovered that my husband follows several Instagram models, whose accounts are mostly dedicated to sexually explicit photos. Some of them are “sports models,” but most of their photos show their behinds in tiny thongs.

I was angry and sad to discover this, but I haven’t talked to him about it as I don’t know if it’s “normal” male behaviour.

I wish this didn’t affect me, but it makes me feel betrayed and insecure. Especially since I’m half-way through my pregnancy and he’s lost sexual interest in me.

Last year, I became aware that he secretly watches porn. We don’t talk about it because he doesn’t like to discuss it and I feel that I’ve gotten over it.

His Instagram indulgence feels different. It seems more intimate as he follows the same few women on a regular basis.

Some of them appear to be in their late teens, or very early 20s and he’s almost 40, so I’m even more disturbed by that. (None of their photos would be child porn since they’re partially covered/have underwear/bathing suits on).

Am I overreacting by feeling the way I do? Should I raise this with him? How do I get over these feelings?

ANSWER: Your husband’s porn habit didn’t start with your pregnancy. Commonly among many males, it probably started years back as a titillating discovery enjoyed with friends, then became a private pursuit for masturbation when alone.

Unfortunately, porn can have the effect of distorting both men’s and women’s views of what sexual activity looks and feels like, plus the unrealistic surgically-enhanced bodies of male and female porn stars.

Yet, viewing porn apparently didn’t interfere with you two getting seriously involved, marrying and having sex. But now, during your pregnancy, his loss of sexual interest in you is unfair and unkind. His regular attachment to young Instagram models is especially upsetting at this time.

The question to consider: Should one partner interfere with the other’s “fantasies” (if there’s no physical contact with the Instagram posters)?

In your case, I believe you should speak up about what really matters here: That you’re still a sexual person while pregnant, wanting the reassurance of loving touch, cuddling and sexual connection. Say that it’s an important bond together while it’s possible - until too close to delivery — and a bond that becomes more profoundly loving than sexual, during the demanding early weeks of caring for an infant.

QUESTION: I’ve been on-and-off flirting with a man at work for three years (he’s 45, I’m 26).

When we first started flirting, he was single, but I was in a relationship. Now he’s back with his wife, but living on his own (still divorced). We still have such attraction and chemistry. I have feelings for him, but need to know how to move on.

Why am I staying with someone who went back to his wife?

ANSWER: Stop flirting. You’re only teasing each other when you both know a serious relationship is unlikely to happen.

You were very young, 23, when you started flirting with this man who’s almost twice your age, even though you were involved with someone else.

Your “chemistry” has always involved egoboosting on both your parts.

Now, back with his wife, he should be off limits for you. He’s too waffling about his loyalty, too involved with emotional and legal uncertainty, too complicated for flirting and teasing. You’re older and smarter. Look for happiness with a man who’s free to openly love you.

READER’S COMMENTARY: Regarding common-law marriage:

Common law relationships are very different in Canada from the U.S., where very few states recognize common-law marriages.

I’m a retired U.S. attorney who practised in two states. One didn’t recognize common-law marriage, but the other did. But even there, living together for a certain amount of time didn’t create a common-law marriage.

The elements that were required for commonlaw status were these: agreement to be married, holding yourselves out as being married, and gaining a reputation as being married among your friends and neighbours.

There’s a very old case where a couple invited their entire neighbourhood for a party and, before all the guests, toasted one another saying, “from this day forward we’re married.” The husband moved out the next day. The court ruled that they were married.

Also, in the U.S., if you’re common-law married, and you want to separate legally, you need to get divorced.

ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY Porn-watching harms a relationship if it replaces a healthy sexual bond.