Sharing fantasy OK if it’s mutual

QUESTION: It’s the holidays when I’m supposed to be happy, going to a party and dancing with my boyfriend. But I know he’s not the right guy for me. I’ve fallen for his best friend who’s kinder, smarter and more fun. But he’s also engaged to another woman.

Is it wrong that I fantasize about him when I’m having sex with my boyfriend? It’s the only way I can pretend that everything’s OK.

— Make-Believe ANSWER: Fantasizing is OK, especially when mutual. But fantasizing privately about your boyfriend’s best friend is not. It’s deceitful in your case, because it imprints in your mind and body how much you feel that you’re with the wrong guy, when he’s making love to you.

It’s also risky. In a moment of sexual heights, you could say the wrong name. It has happened to many — women and men — and it’s not pretty, because the other person feels like you’ve cheated.

Emotionally, you are cheating your guy. You’re only with him because you don’t want to be alone.

Start the New Year right, with honesty and a boost to your sense of decency. Tell him in the nicest way you can that there’s no future for the two of you and that you wish him well.

Take a break to consider what you want in your next relationship (but not someone else’s fiance). Then have the confidence to seek that kind of person through meeting new people and demonstrating your own best qualities.

QUESTION: My dad has been with my stepmom since I was four (now 21). She’s always been verbally abusive and manipulative. I had depression and anxiety leading to huge blow-ups and breakdowns.

Now I’m older and defend myself, but continue to have private breakdowns, panic attacks and shut-downs. Or I lash out (verbally) without caring who I hurt.

It’s partly my fault that I’m not taking action to control those issues.

I can’t afford to move out on my own, so I’m stuck. My dad says I have to respect her as she was there when my mom wasn’t, and he couldn’t be. He says I can’t let her or my emotions control me, that I’ll meet others like her in the world, so take as a learning opportunity.

He’s so run down, he can’t fight his and my battles with her.

My stepmother has suggested counselling but she’s so manipulative that I’m afraid the counsellor will see me as a child acting out when she’s “sweet, loving and merely misunderstood.” She’s played that scenario to family friends and extended family over the years.

I don’t want her in my life anymore but don’t know what to do. — Too Hard to Handle

ANSWER: You do need counselling, alone. Tell your stepmother that you welcome the chance to improve your emotional responses, so would accept her help for you to see a counsellor, for individual therapy.

Counselling isn’t meant for declaring who’s right or wrong, winners or losers. It’s to help find ways to deal with realities you can’t change, by learning new strategies for your own behaviour.

Hopefully, your stepmother will see this as a gain for her too. Your father should also be supportive on this, as it’ll provide the much-needed “learning opportunity’ that he’s been promoting for you.

Meanwhile, work towards your future independence through further education and getting a job. Also, see a doctor for your breakdowns and panic attacks. Then move out as soon as possible.

ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY

Fantasizing privately during sex with your partner about his friend whom you prefer, is deceitful and risky.