30-year-old wedding joke still hurts

QUESTION: We’re both 65, married 30 years, and still in love. We were both married before, we each have two sons, now all in their 40s, married.

We had our own daughter 26 years ago. I pushed for a small marriage celebration. We married but he constantly complained to me and everyone else how he was “coerced” (sometimes joking, sometimes not).

It always hurt. I finally refused to ever celebrate our wedding anniversary but am still angry/humiliated. (Counselling hasn’t helped.)

Marriage isn’t important to me. I just thought it was the thing to do at the time.

I want to do something symbolic with my wedding ring. Choices:

1. Throw it away.

2. Sell it plus other gold jewelry he bought me as revenge.

3. Insist on a divorce but stay together (it’d make him crazy-angry and he’d probably leave me.)

4. Leave it in my jewelry box (I’ll still feel hurt).

Or just sell it and buy a new sweater. — Pain in my Heart

ANSWER: Still in love at 65! I hope that, eventually, that thought will bring joy in your heart.

Look at the history: He started that “coerced” line years back when his sons were late-teens, so perhaps he (wrongly) thought it helped them adjust to the marriage.

Meanwhile, you’ve raised four sons to adults and their own marriages, along with a daughter, and stayed together.

You say nothing else negative about your husband. Yet you’ve nursed this hurt for years.

Talk to him, now. Say that you’d like to put the pain behind you and might get rid of the wedding ring in some manner.

If he objects, ask why. Based only on wasted money, you could tell him to sell it and keep the price. But if based on his having feelings about it, share yours once more and agree to both move forward. There’s too much good at stake here.

QUESTION: I married my wife in 2014. We’re “born again” and never dated, but had met years back when working on a project.

After the wedding, she got pregnant. I soon realized she was still involved with a man for whom she’d been nursing a broken heart after discovering he was married.

A year later, she attended a funeral for the man’s mother, and she and the man had sex together.

I discovered evidence and reported the matter to our senior pastor.

My wife was summoned and blamed for the disgrace. She apologized and we carried on.

Later, I discovered that they still communicate romantically. I’ve tried to talk to her through our matron and relatives but to no avail. We have a baby girl together. What should I do? — Confused

ANSWER: Since you rely greatly on your faith, I won’t presume to give direct advice or opinions. Instead, I’ll raise some questions for you to consider and discuss with your wife:

Do you both intend to raise your baby girl together? If yes, she’s the priority and needs the security of a stable home.

Do you still love your wife? If so, you’ll try every way possible to work through this difficult time while she’s apparently living a fantasy situation with this man, since he remains married while leading her on.

If your wife threatened to leave you, how would you handle this? It’s something to consider for you to remain strong in your beliefs of how you wish to live, what you can accept in a marriage, and what you cannot.

QUESTION: Our only child, a daughter, 21, lives on her own and has suddenly, without warning, cut us off from communication. She doesn’t answer her phone or respond to text messages, email or Facebook messenger. Initially, I thought she was just busy. Now it’s been weeks.

We’re bewildered and devastated. Her friends say she’s fine, which is a relief. But I’m so sad and a bit angry that she’d treat us this way.

If we ever offended her in some way, she gave no indication. — Just Want to Reach Her

ANSWER: Go to where she lives, her school, wherever you can see her in person. If she rejects you, at least you know she has not run away or been abducted.

Next, try to assess whether she’s under someone else’s control. Ask her friends, check her social media if possible. If you fear the worst, call police or hire a private detective if necessary.

This is about her, not you, until you know she’s truly safe.

ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY

Don’t let an old hurt cloud everything that’s good in a relationship.