Mixed couple can’t bridge identity gap

DEAR ELLIE: After meeting a nice man at a Jewish singles event, he asked me out. We dined at an Italian restaurant.

When I ordered veal saltimbocca, he told me he observed “kosher” food rules and requested that I order something else. I did.

I next invited him over for dinner and asked my mother for a safe bet — she suggested I get a nice piece of fish and make a kugel (noodle or potato pudding).

I asked for a recommendation at the best fish store.

After my guest’s first bite he seemed puzzled and asked what I was serving.

I replied, “Swordfish.”

He spit out his mouthful on his plate and ran to the door.

I thought he was choking and went after him but he left in his car.

It’s been over a week — do you think I’ll hear from him again? — Leftover Fish

ANSWER: Not likely. There was obvious interest on both parts, but his abrupt exit was about more than the fish.

There was a huge identity gap between you two — which could’ve been breached — but he didn’t try, and you didn’t have the chance to ask about it.

Lots of “mixed” couples date and many marry, but they need to know how to deal with major differences in religious and/or cultural practices.

You may both be Jewish, but his “kosher food” observance is strict.

You needed to learn more if you hoped to connect with him.

Example: Orthodox kosher rules consider swordfish a non-fish because it doesn’t have scales.

However, a contrary ruling permits†swordfish because it does have scales before it reaches adulthood.

This is but one of the complex and confusing issues that often arise when dating someone who observes religious principles — whether they’re Jewish, Catholic, Muslim, Hindu, etc. — to a different degree than the other.

The need for reaching across that gap to understand each other’s background and beliefs is especially needed in a union between people of completely different faiths.

FEEDBACK Regarding thewoman who saw her boyfriend only on weekends (Feb. 22):

Reader — “I would’ve told her to simply ask him, “Would it be possible for us to talk on the phone once or twice during the week? I miss you and I’d love to hear your voice.”

“If he says, “Sorry, I’m too busy to telephone chat,” it’s time for more dialogue or time to move on if she’s looking for a bigger commitment.” FEEDBACK Regarding Driving in Snow (Feb. 22):

Reader — “While “All-Season” Tires are inadequate for snowy, icy driving, “AllWeather” tires provide grip in winter conditions and can be used year-round.

“Their “snowflake” symbol indicates appropriateness for winter driving.

“Also, if your vehicle has antilock braking systems (ABS), do NOT pump the brakes. Provide constant pressure on the brake pedal and the ABS will do the “pumping.”

“Pressing the ABS-system brake pedal firmly will give you the shortest stopping distance.”

Ellie’s tip of the day

Give a full-time caregiver more than an occasional visit. They need regular time on their own.