Date didn’t look like photo on dating website

QUESTION: What is it with men whose profile photos on a dating site don’t resemble the guys who arrive for a first date?

Do they think women are so needy that they’ll accept anyone?

I’m specific in my profile: My true age (49), the acceptable geographic boundaries, and a true, recent photo.

The last guy I agreed to meet was photographed as nice-looking, with a trimmed beard, living 30 minutes’ drive from me.

He arrived at a local bar-restaurant, an hour late: A bedraggled-looking 58-year-old man with a scruffy beard and two teeth missing in front.

I learned he’d lost them a couple of years ago, so how old was the photo he used?

Either a guy wants to meet someone who’ll be attracted to him — or he thinks it doesn’t matter, he’s just out for what he can get.

What’s your take on this?

— Fed Up Female

ANSWER: That’s a big generalization relying on one guy with missing teeth.

Sure, some men and women use false or old photos on their dating profile. It’s a huge bargain-basement of choices out there, especially on popular sites that are free.

You take your chances until you meet. Meanwhile, you weed out the pretenders best you can through chatting instead of rushing to meet.

It’s up to you to state clearly what interests you and what doesn’t, so the other person can also tell when it’s not worth going further.

Relying on a photo isn’t enough when you’re agreeing to meet a stranger.

Dating apps have revolutionized how people meet, by providing a structure and access. But it’s still a personal responsibility to be discerning, selective and cautious when choosing whom to meet, and whom to give a pass.

QUESTION: I’d been dating a man for three months when he said he needed delicate throat surgery that would require him one month’s recovery.

However, he’d separated from his wife a year ago, and was living temporarily in the home of a friend who was working abroad.

His surgeon said he needed to be looked after for that month of recuperation. He asked to live at my place, and he’d pay for a visiting caregiver while I was at work

Feeling sorry for him, I agreed. Bad decision. I’d come home to find he had visitors (including his ex-wife) while I was away, bringing food/cakes, making coffee, and not cleaning up.

He suggested I should redecorate the spare bedroom for him to have a desk and work there while he recuperated.

He paid for nothing but the caregiver who only lasted one week, till the friends took over.

It’s been over two months now and I need him to leave. He cries when I raise this, saying that he’s still in pain and moving is too difficult.

He can easily afford a short-term apartment rental until he gets stronger and can decide his future home. It won’t be mine.

How do I get him out the door without risking his recovery or being seen by everyone we both know as heartless?

— The Patient’s Victim

ANSWER: Be direct and decisive. Give him a deadline and enlist his friends to find him a temporary rental.

Explain that the patient’s passed his surgeon’s requirements for rest, and must carry on without you, because the relationship is over.

Inform them of the date he must leave. If necessary, tell his friends to pay his first and last month’s rent if he won’t. Then close the door.

QUESTION: For years we’ve housed our children and grandchildren in our New Englandarea vacation home over major holidays.

Now in our 70s, my wife and I can’t manage the property and upkeep.

When our children arrived for Christmas, we announced that we’ve sold the house and booked a family holiday next year in the Bahamas, and told them the dates.

Now our four sons and their partners are complaining — over the travel dates, location, added costs (we’re paying for rooms and air fares).

We find our children ungrateful. They say we’re unreasonable by making the plans arbitrarily.

— Who’s Right Here?

ANSWER: Your house, you have the right to sell it. Their logical adult expectation to be consulted on the dates, location.

You’re all experiencing a natural generational divide. But respect should prevail on both sides. Your intentions were generous.

Discuss the best travel dates and location for each family’s needs, then compromise within reason and affordability.

ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY

Dating apps provide limited profiles of an array of strangers. Choosing whom to meet in person requires careful selection.