Husband lying about photos on computer
QUESTION: I found two videos and a photo of someone on my husband’s computer.
This same girl had texted him a picture on his phone.
It showed her with no pants or underwear, and he had taken the picture. I also found a love-letter which he claims isn’t from her, but I confirmed the signature with her picture on Facebook.
When confronted, my husband claimed that the girl has a crush on him. He said she sent him the two videos but they’re of her and another guy.
He also claims the pictures are a form of art. He won’t admit that anything happened.
He tells me I’m crazy and making things up.
ANSWER: Facts: 1) You don’t believe your husband’s answers and explanations. 2)
You don’t accept that you’re “crazy” or “making things up.” 3) You did find a nude photo, two videos and a love letter to your husband, all from the same female.
Naturally, you don’t trust your husband’s responses. Tell him you two need counselling if you both wish to stay together.
If he won’t go, I recommend that you discuss with a counsellor why you’d even consider staying with a man you don’t trust and inwardly believe is cheating on you.
The truth may be that he wants to stay together but also play around. If so, then counselling will help you find your inner strength and confidence to say you can’t accept his lies and disrespect.
QUESTION: At 12, a friend asked if I knew that my dad wasn’t my real dad. My mother only said that my current dad adopted me.
I’m now 51. I’d been curious about my birth father, not to replace my adopted father, but for my identity.
Further conversations with my mother always brought limited responses — e.g. he didn’t want to see me, he was nothing special.
She was 18 when I was born, he was 22. I discovered his name and decided to find him. I located a second cousin who revealed that my father had a family of his own.
I knew where he lived but didn’t contact him, lest his family hadn’t known about me.
Through Facebook I learned about my birth father and half-siblings.
Recently, I read that my birth father had died early this year. While saddened, I also felt elated that I could contact my half-brother and half-sister.
We met weeks ago and were all overcome with emotions and excitement. They had known that they had a sister, but my birth father was asked by my mother not to contact me.
I’m overwhelmed by how loving and accepting they are.
Yet I feel some guilt about how my parents may see this. I don’t want to create negativity/hurt for them.
This doesn’t change anything for my relationship with them, but I’m unsure how they’ll feel and what they’ll think.
Is this something that I should keep to myself and never mention to them, or tell them that I have a new extension to myself?
ANSWER: Keep this information quiet for a while, while you adjust to it yourself.
It may carry old hurts for the mother and father who raised you with beliefs they held back then.
What is openly acceptable news today, could still feel shameful for her or make him feel secondary to your birthfather.
Eventually, tell them that you love and appreciate all they’ve done for you as parents. Then, say that you’ve met your half-siblings and now have more family.
FEEDBACK: Regarding people’s insensitivity over a loss/serious illness of a loved one:
Reader: I was a healthcare provider who developed recurrent cancer and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
I know from experience now, that someone grieving or seriously ill doesn’t have to listen to insensitive, or brutal/stupid people.
However, having previously been supportive and always willing to listen, it’s taking time and pain for me to learn that there’s a time to give and a time to receive (I have professional support in this process).
People often didn’t get my messages when I politely declined to listen to their detailed medical stories, personal traumas or unsolicited (retrospective) advice.
When forced to be direct and explicit, people got offended, and cut off the “friendships.” I’m now often lonely and isolated.
Ellie: There’s also a time to meet new people, reconnect with some who may’ve “meant well” and focus on living as positively as possible.
FEEDBACK: Regarding the woman, 39, looking at her second divorce:
Reader: I applaud her. I stayed 15 and 18 years with my exes, had three children with the first one. She got out way sooner than I did.
Being divorced twice is tough, people do judge, but I’m very successful in my career and now married to a wonderful man.
My first husband also expected me to serve him in every way with no help with children and household.
The second was the same but pretended to be a better person to get me hooked. His cheating began when I started working full-time.
I’ve learned from research that they both exhibited narcissistic behaviour. In my growing-up years, that was the “normal” I saw, so red flags were dismissed/unnoticed.
I’m glad you suggested she look at her early years. ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY
You’re not “crazy,” he’s lying. Get counselling help.