If it really is love, give it a chance
QUESTION: After a divorce in my late 20s, I had two serious relationships. Both those men broke my heart.
Six months ago, at 40, a male friend and I fell deeply in love. It’s been the most comfortable, trusting relationship I’ve known.
Problem: He’s been offered his dream job in another city. It’s not about distance, but a reality issue.
We’re both doing work which we love. I have loyal clients here. His promotion is everything he’s worked towards, including the location.
He’s bound to meet new people, including women. And I like to socialize, which can also lead to meeting someone new.
I’m thinking that we shouldn’t make promises to each other, and see how things go. Your thoughts?
ANSWER: A very mature-sounding decision. Yet you’re already distancing to protect your feelings if he dates someone else.
It’s premature. You’re both still in love.
The future’s unknown, but your past made you recognize this man’s value and the joy of a loving relationship.
That should give you both the trust to take things slow but sure as the logical choice.
First, he moves. He’ll soon discover if it’s as positive a situation as he hopes.
Next, you visit, soon. You’ll both see if long distance can work for a useful period regarding his work/career.
With mutual visits every two months, and vacations together, a relationship can survive, even thrive, for as long as you both want it.
Worth a try!
FEEDBACK: Two very different responses regarding a husband’s extreme spending (March 4):
READER: He’s selfish, irresponsible, insensitive and childish. His poor spending habits are drowning her and her kids in debt.
She’s better off finding a good divorce lawyer and getting back on her feet, emotionally and financially.
Perhaps her friends/family can connect her to resources in her community.
She deserves a man who treats her with kindness and respect.
She shouldn’t fear change. Rather, she should see leaving her husband as an opportunity to reinvent herself.
READER NO. 2: 1. Do not go to the bank manager to discuss finances when there are problems about paying debt, as the pending mortgage may not be approved.
2. She should hire an accountant or personal financial adviser to give her suggestions/help creating a plan.
3. She should ascertain all costs to maintain the house, all costs for their two sons, and the couple’s regular expenses for food, etc.
4. Both should share the boys’ and the house costs as a percentage of their different earnings.
5. She should plan on going back to school now or soon, depending on the boys’ ages.
Otherwise, she should ensure her husband provides her with “income splitting” so she receives money, social security and a government pension.
She should check any tax advantages of salarysharing in a small businesses or his adding her as an employee. (Ellie: this depends on the taxation laws where they reside.)
6. She should have a joint account to pay for the house and boys’ expenses, but also have her own bank account and credit card.
After she’s created a preliminary approach and budget, it should be reviewed by both before they refinance the mortgage. Then they can decide who’ll be responsible for doing the finances, paying bills and ensuring a family savings account.
7. If unable to agree, the financial planner should be seen with both present.
Their final agreement should also assess the extent of protection the wife and children have if he continues his “single-style” lifestyle and leaves them.
READER’S COMMENTARY: The accompanist “harassed” by her employer to date a voice student (Jan. 10) later wrote that it had happened 20 years ago (Feb. 12):
Both weren’t attractive then and both were talented musically.
Maybe the older woman was right that the guy deserved a good woman since he could’ve benefited from the support/attentions of that young woman.
Maybe the owner saw potential in him. The accompanist had a too-high opinion of herself, looking the way she did, to turn him down.
It wasn’t so out of line 20 years ago to expect a woman to take care of a needy guy.
ELLIE: I published this to show that there’s still much work to be done to fight gender discrimination, disrespect and body-shaming.
It was wrong 20 years ago, and more wrong today to think that a woman was obliged to accept advances from a man she didn’t care for, and also to be exploited sexually by her boss.
ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY
It’s worth a try to give true love a chance.