Can you live with yourself if you spread the coronavirus?

QUESTION: Sadly, there’ll be times soon when a family member unknowingly brings the coronavirus into a household, causing his/her own parents, siblings or other relatives to fall gravely ill or even die.

How can families/individuals cope with the crushing blame and guilt they’ll feel when that happens? How does a family recover from such an intimate tragedy?

— Facing Reality

ANSWER: There are strong, clear instructions, constantly repeated, that everyone must count on because it’s all we have until there’s a cure and vaccine.

Each of us living in a household must wash their hands when they enter the home, change their clothes from what they wore outside if they were among other people, eg. grocery shopping or working in an essential service.

We must wash food we bring inside and wipe any packaging before removing it.

It means doing everything you can that’s within your control.

Under normal circumstances, without COVID-19 in our midst, you’d still have no control over sudden accidents or death that happens to a loved one.

Instead of worrying over worst-case possibilities, learn what’s needed in realistic scenarios:

If you have someone within your home who shows symptoms of the virus, isolate them in a separate room, and wear rubber gloves to handle anything related to them. In B.C., use the COVID-19 self-assessment tool at bc.thrive.health and call 811 for further instructions.

Don’t deplete your energies with worry. There are websites for counselling information about anxieties, and dealing with grief.

Maintain your physical energy and positive outlook the best you can, so anxiety doesn’t drag you down.

Be proactive. If someone else within the household is behaving nonchalantly about the instructions above, show them a list of what can happen — not only to the weakest person there, but to themselves, too.

QUESTION: I’m 21. A year ago my first love and I broke up after two years. He’d tried to control me. But I missed him these past eight months.

I’ve been talking to a new guy. A month ago he asked me out and I was unsure.

I also liked being single, hooking up, dancing with guys and flirting.

I also wasn’t over my ex. Then, at a bar with friends. I saw him and almost fainted. His best friend told me my ex still misses me.

Later, he texted me. He asked me for a lunch date to catch up. I felt it’d be the closure I needed.

At lunch we talked and joked. I ended up at his house and we hooked up and hung out like old times.

He admitted to being too controlling but he’s realized he now could trust me.

We’ve been talking for a month. I said No to the other guy. My friends hate my ex. They won’t accept that he’s changed.

Do I pick my ex for whom I have love and passion? Or the guy who treated me like a princess, though we don’t have the same connection I had with my ex?

— Hard Choice

ANSWER: Life rarely grinds to a near-halt — except in a pandemic. The way you may be cutting yours short is through hook-ups and dating, when there’s a merciless virus that gets transmitted easily from two people just being closer than six feet (two metres) apart.

So, my first advice to you is an urgent plea: Stay home. Only talk to these guys or anyone else online.

At 21, you think you must choose one of them. But, it could be the worst thing for you to do.

You most need self-confidence, not relying on only two possible boyfriends: One, who emotionally abused you with controls and distrust; another, for whom you don’t have strong feelings.

Love yourself more. And look around to the people who are depending on you to stay healthy and make sure they do, too. Follow the stay-home orders in your community, to keep yourself and everyone else safe.

QUESTION: I’m a divorced woman who has been an online dater for years. I go on an app and usually can meet someone.

But the virus has changed that. It’s very lonely being self-quarantined.

I have FaceTime and Zoom sessions with friends and family but, for a woman in my late-30s, that’s not the same as getting a quick “like,” meeting someone at a bar, and seeing where it goes from there.

Any suggestions?

ANSWER: Yes, stay safe. There’ll be bars, hookups and dating again, once our living environments are safer with the virus contained.

However, this pause may spark a new, more satisfying approach to online dating.

Instead of seeking only the most attractive/sexy person, it’s the chance for more people to have real conversations over an extended time of several months.

Just imagine — detecting decency and warmth in someone, not just a come-on! Finding a so-called stranger shares many of your interests! Try it.

FEEDBACK: Regarding the woman who asks if she’s “wasting time” with a man who moved in but never informs her when he’s coming home, nor makes plans with her to go out as a couple:

Reader: If he doesn’t sing off the same page as you in terms of what it means to be a couple, you may give it your best shot, but may find out one day, as I did in a similar situation, that he essentially won't change despite all the talk and promises.

Try it, but bail out before you spend too many years frustrated and cheated of the kind of relationship you really want and should have with a true partner.

— Experienced

ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY

In this COVID-19 crisis, do everything possible based on information to date, to keep your household members safe.