Go take a hike... in the outdoors

We’ve all been told to ‘take a hike’ (slang for: would you please go away, before I carve my initials into your leather seats and slash all four tires).

During this time in our history, life patterns have been changed, and as the weather patterns change, so too does our yearning to wander far and wide.

Without travel advisories, border closings and avoiding crowds of questionable people, we’d normally venture to the beckoning horizons at this time of year. But what can you do to alleviate that wanderlust?

Take a hike Jack and Jill; go up the hill, but don’t forget to bring a pail of water.

Think of it this way: you already live in Beautiful British Columbia, you’re a short walk from the boonies, the walk will do your chubby ‘cheeks’ some good and the view will become a wonderful memory.

“All the riches in the world aren’t worth a hill of beans without peace of mind.” — Yours truly.

Back to backpacking in our own backyards; to get to your place of peace, you’ll first need to make a list of things to bring – for your own peace of mind.

Even though the backwoods are a great place to find peace, prepare for war. Dive bombing mosquitos, sneak attack ticks and other things that go bite in the night.

Even if you’re just going for a short walk around town, bring water, wear comfortable shoes and before you roam too far from home remember these numbers one and two. The reason is most public washrooms are closed as tight as your knees will be if you have to pee with three blocks to go.

The further you go into the bush, the more likely you are to see a bear crapping in the woods. It’s OK for the bear to do his business, but it’s not OK for you to do your do-do like an animal.

However, it is your business to keep your crap to yourself – if you pack it in – pack it out!

These are only a few of the things you should know before you go.

Number 1, check the day’s weather, from sunup to sundown. Dress in layers, unless you’re a teenager, in which case wear a skimpy T-shirt.

Call mom and tell her where you’re going and when you should be home, stay on the main trails and respect the environment like you would your own living room floor.

Thus far we’ve talked about your boomboom and your whiz too; then you shouldn’t mind if I butt in and ask you if you smoke?

Do you remember that lesson your mother taught you that fire hurts? That’s good, then I shouldn’t have to tell a reasonable person like you, don’t play with matches (that goes for you potheads, too).

Enjoy the ‘great’ outdoors. Bring a picnic maybe a bubbly bottle and a loved one.

As a writer I poke my pen at fools, and you can trust me, I’ll never run out of pokees.

With that in mind I predict the forests will be teeming with tenderfoots (slang for: bear food).

These green-horns (slang for: people who get lost, become injured or eaten alive and will in all likelihood will burn this province to the ground) are a menace to society with no common sense.

Think of the outdoors as sex; it’s better to be safe than sorry.