Dad keeping girlfriend secret from his children

QUESTION: I’m a single professional woman in my 30s, seeing my current boyfriend for 11 months. He’s separated from his wife, with whom his teenage son lives.

I’m beginning to think this relationship is going nowhere.

His son doesn’t know I exist. My boyfriend spends some weekends and all major holidays with him. I’m left on my own.

I understand his cautious approach in the early months we were dating. But isn’t it time he tell his son about me? I feel like I’m not important in his life.

— The “Secret” Girlfriend ANSWER: Every separated/ divorced parent who finds a new partner, has had to face this issue your boyfriend’s been delaying.

You’re still important but his son’s adjustment to the family breakup may be more important, perhaps for unexplained reasons.

Example: If his ex-wife knows about you and demanded that their son not meet you, so he didn’t disclose this.

Or if, generally, his son, the only child, needed more security about having lots of time with his father (maybe even with both parents together), to accept the separation.

Being left out and lonely is naturally upsetting. However, he may believe as a professional woman in your 30s you have the independence and understanding to handle this period of adjustment for all of you.

As your relationship nears the one-year mark, it is time for you to raise the issue of including you with his son. Do not make it all about you being lonely, as that suggests he choose between you and this teenager.

What’s needed is his introducing you in a natural way, as someone he met who’s become close to him and whom he wants his son to get to know.

QUESTION: I’m a guy new to online dating. I feel I shouldn’t get attached easily, but the opposite’s usually true!

My approach is being courteous, caring and respectful. Though I get some positive results, they usually end short of a relationship. Sometimes even first dates don’t happen.

How can I be more successful?

— Better Dating Skills? ANSWER:

Success at dating online requires keeping yourself and your expectations real.

Since many dating sites want your business, find the one that feels right for you before signing on. A free site may be popular, but it means competing for attention in a very large crowd.

Next, work on your profile. Get a trusted friend’s appraisal of which photo/s to use, and what you’ll write about yourself.

Then, be clear about what you’re seeking: e.g. chatting a few times or more, before meeting in person. And saying whether you want to date casually or hope to meet someone for a relationship.

Now, post your profile.

Here’s where being realistic counts most: Lots of date-seekers are playing the field, chatting, seeming interested, but talking to many others.

Some will just go silent. Others who agree to meet, may not show up, or even ghost you after a date you thought went well.

Pick up your confidence and carry on. Remember, you’re mostly dealing with strangers who can be abrupt or rude.

Be sure you mean what you say. If you want to meet and the other person doesn’t, politely sign off and check out more profiles.

Even if you connect through chatting and want to meet, don’t be offended if the other person isn’t ready.

Stay positive, see what you admire in particular women and learn what they’re seeking in a dating partner.

QUESTION: My neighbour is standoffish. If we’re outside at the same time, she’ll barely acknowledge me unless I deliver a cheery hello and she then nods.

Her husband’s even colder, and has been that way since we moved here 12 years ago. We once had a problem with the part of our front garden, which is shared. He wouldn’t discuss it with me until I sent him a photo of the visibly-damaged area.

We’ve never bothered them, borrowed anything, nor said a harsh word to them or their two teenage children.

Our backgrounds are only somewhat different and of no relevance in our being neighbours.

Is this just ingrained prejudice against someone slightly (not even visibly) “different?”

— Annoyed ANSWER: These are not interesting people you’d want to get to know better. Their coldness/distance bothers you, but there are no verbal insults, no major disagreements. Ignore them. It’s a waste of your energy and time to stress over them.

ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY