Children treated stepmother terribly after father’s death
QUESTION: I was friends with the children and the second wife of a prominent philanthropist. Several weeks after his death, I learned that his children had emptied his charity’s account, and shipped his art collection for sale overseas.
These adult children then sued to kick out their stepmother from the home where she lived with their father for over 25 years.
I took the stepmother’s side, knowing that the father’s will had allotted her rights and privileges in anticipation of his children being greedy.
The courts, after a long and brutal legal battle, ruled in favour of the stepmother,who in return gave her stepchildren their late mother’s memorabilia which had been left behind in the house.
Recently, I encountered the stepdaughter who had once been a close friend of mine, at our mutual friend’s funeral. I refused to even acknowledge her. Was I being rude?
— Disgusted ANSWER: I get the negative sentiment you feel towards this person, yet everything you knew about the family background suggests that she and her brother had been raised as spoiled, over-indulged kids.
It would seem that their behaviour as adults is no surprise.
The father acknowledged this in his will, by making sure that his second wife would not be left vulnerable to losing what he intended her to have.
Given that you encountered this pastclose friend at a funeral, you might’ve taken a different approach. As in remarking about the obvious: “In the end, there’s only a funeral, and how your character’s described by those who knew you.”
Maybe it’d give her pause about how she treats people.
READERS’ COMMENTARY: Regarding the lawsuit by the son of a divorced couple to regain money from sale of the family home that initially went to his mother:
As a family business mediator, I thought to add one more element to your excellent advice. When a divorcing couple splits assets, adult children commonly become concerned that their future inheritance will disappear into their parents’ new relationships.
One case example: A wealthy woman with two teenaged children remarried a man with two adult children. She died before her new husband, leaving it all to him to “manage” with no direction about how that should be done.
Ten years later, he passed away suddenly, leaving his old will, which left his children to inherit all of his former wife’s wealth, leaving her children with nothing.
In your letter-writer’s situation, the mother could begin to build back trust by providing some sense of security that was lost by her children in the divorce.
The son may be looking for some emotional security that he has a place in her heart, and that she’s thought of her own children’s future.
I have confidence in families’ ability to reunite on some level. I’ve seen it happen over and over again even after years of pain, but only when there’s effort on both parts. And it does take the parent to make the first move.
I often ask my clients, who is the parent here?
QUESTION: I lost my wonderful husband of 15 years to a sudden heart attack at 56.
He’d been divorced from his first wife for seven years when we met. His young children grew close to me over time, visiting during the week, every other weekend and on summer and winter holidays with us.
I was 44 when he left us so unexpectedly. They were ages 19 and 21, and we were all shattered by it.
I was so grateful for their almost daily visits, phone calls, even sleepovers when we felt the grief drawing us together.
Then it stopped. I’ve never been told why. I know that they were surprised that he left me his half of the townhouse we’d shared, but that shouldn’t have offended them.
They live in a large home with their mother, which she got from their divorce (her wealthy parents “bought” his share so she and the kids could stay there).
He also left me his pension, but he left his children substantial education funds. We’d worked these will details out several years back, because he knew the kids would be looked after financially by their grandparents whereas I only had him.
One year passed two months ago. I reached out, heard nothing back. Maybe they were hurting deeply, but so was I.
They haven’t contacted me during the lockdowns. I received only one neutral email this past Christmas, though I’d sent them both gifts I know they like.
Do I just let go of the connection I once had with my stepchildren?
— Lonely Step-Mom ANSWER: Do not disengage. It’s been a tough year of adjustment for all of you, but you’re the mature adult in this stillhurting group.
You’ll all gradually heal. But for children, the loss of a father is forever.
It may even be that the memories they hold of the happy times they shared with him and you, adds to their grief.
As for their father’s will, they may’ve had other expectations, or others may’ve expressed such thoughts to them. If so, wait till it’s raised by them to you, personally.
Keep gently reaching out, periodically.
QUESTION: My husband and I talked with a couple of online therapists over two months.
They call themselves therapists and mediators who help children adjust to a family split. Our children, early teens, weren’t that receptive to the idea but one attended a few virtual discussions, the other only once.
I was clear with the therapists about the inevitable breakup, only wanting help with our family’s approach.
After a series of sessions, we were together for their final assessment: “We see no need for you to divorce.” I walked out.
What’s your thought on their response?
— Wrong Answer ANSWER: You didn’t give them time or space to explain their conclusion. Also, they didn’t “get” you. But that may be because you didn’t want them to — you just wanted backup help getting the kids to accept a family split.
Wherever you and your children are today, it’s still up to you to try to keep the bond that shows they’re loved.
ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY
How a divorcing couple deals with their house, finances and wills can reassure adult children of the connection to their parents, or divide a family further.