Sav­age Love

The Georgia Straight - - Contents -

I’m a 22-year-old straight male dat­ing a 23-year-old woman. This is by far the most sex­ual re­la­tion­ship I’ve been in, which is great, ex­cept one part is freak­ing me out: I re­cently “caught” my girl­friend mas­tur­bat­ing with her room­mate’s panties. (She knew I was com­ing over and wanted me to catch her.) It turns out she has a habit of sneak­ing her room­mate’s worn un­der­wear, mas­tur­bat­ing while smelling them (or putting them in her mouth), and then sneak­ing them back into her room­mate’s laun­dry bas­ket. She has also used her room­mate’s vi­bra­tor and dry-humped her pil­low to or­gasm. I got turned on hear­ing about all this, and she jerked me off with her room­mate’s panties. My girl­friend says she gets turned on be­ing “naughty” and most of her fan­tasies in­volve be­ing her room­mate’s sex slave, me fuck­ing the room­mate while my GF is tied up, et cetera. Our sex life now re­volves around the room­mate—my GF has stolen a few more pairs of panties and even worn them while I fucked her, and her dirty talk is now al­most en­tirely about her room­mate. This turns me on, so I don’t re­ally want it to stop, but my ques­tions are: 1) is this bad? 2) is this nor­mal? We’re con­di­tioned to be­lieve women are less kinky and less sex­ual than men, and I don’t want to buy into that. My girl­friend says she isn’t “that weird”. I don’t know what to think.

> THERE’S NO ACRO­NYM FOR THIS

1. It’s bad.

2. When it comes to hu­man sex­u­al­ity, TNAFT, vari­ance is the norm. Which means freak­i­ness/naugh­ti­ness/ kink­i­ness is nor­mal—sci­ence backs me up on this—and, yes, lots of women have high li­bidos and lots are kinky. Your email came sand­wiched be­tween a ques­tion from a woman who needs sex daily (and fool­ishly mar­ried a man with a very low li­bido*) and a ques­tion from a woman who is into BDSM (and wisely held out for a GGG guy who’s get­ting bet­ter at bondage but can’t bring him­self to in­flict the erotic/con­sen­sual pain she craves**).

But “vari­ance is the norm” doesn’t get your girl­friend off the hook—or you, TNAFT. You and your girl­friend are both vi­o­lat­ing this poor woman’s pri­vacy, po­ten­tially her health (un­less your girl­friend is ster­il­iz­ing her room­mate’s vi­bra­tor after us­ing it), and—per­haps most im­por­tantly—her trust. Hon­our­ing each other’s pri­vacy and show­ing mu­tual re­spect for each other’s be­long­ings are the so­cial norms that make it pos­si­ble for un­re­lated/ un­fuck­ing adults to share a liv­ing space. We trust our room­mates not to steal money out of our purses, eat our peanut but­ter, use our tooth­brushes, et cetera. And even if your room­mate never catches you, it’s still not okay to use their fuck­ing tooth­brush. It should go with­out say­ing that we trust our room­mates not to shove our dirty panties into their mouths, use our sex toys, hump our pil­lows, et cetera. We can’t con­trol who fan­ta­sizes about us— peo­ple can fan­ta­size about whomever they care to—but we have an ab­so­lute right to con­trol who han­dles our dirty underpants. (My God, think of all the times you’ve run out of clean un­der­wear and fished a dirty pair out of the laun­dry and worn them a sec­ond time!)

Your girl­friend should make an hon­est, re­spect­ful, naughty pass at her room­mate. And who knows? Maybe her room­mate is just as pervy as you two are and would jump at the chance to have a sex slave and full use of her room­mate/sex slave’s boyfriend in ex­change for a few dirty panties. Or maybe she’d like to move.

woman in a won­der­ful re­la­tion­ship. My sex drive has sky­rock­eted, and I get un­com­fort­ably horny at ran­dom times. I work at a preschool and have gone into the one-per­son locked bath­room dur­ing my break for a quick rubout. Is this wrong? It takes me one minute to come and I’m to­tally silent. But I’m at a preschool and there are lit­tle kids on the other side of that door. Thoughts?

> KNOCKED UP AND HORNY

You’re do­ing noth­ing wrong—and pretty soon you’ll be hav­ing sex in your home while your kid sleeps or plays on the other side of your bed­room door, KUAH, so you might as well get some prac­tice in. And if you don’t want a kid walk­ing in on you at home, ei­ther (and you def­i­nitely don’t), put a lock on your bed­room door.

I am a 29-year-old woman and get­ting mar­ried to my boyfriend of four years, “Adam”, in a few months. Re­la­tion­ship is great, sex is fan­tas­tic, no com­plaints. So why am I writ­ing? Adam’s best friend, “Steve”, was his room­mate in col­lege, and Adam re­cently re­vealed that he and Steve used to mas­tur­bate to­gether. I have no idea what to make of this. I don’t think Adam is gay and I don’t think Steve is ei­ther. Maybe they’re het­eroflex­i­ble? But is it com­mon for straight guys to mas­tur­bate to­gether? Also, why is he just telling me this now, after we’ve been to­gether for four years? I’m not sure how I should act around Steve. He hangs out with us a lot. Help!

> SEEK­ING TO EVAL­U­ATE VERY EX­PLO­SIVE DIS­CLO­SURE

“Buddy-bat­ing among straight guys is more com­mon than peo­ple may think,” said Trey Lyon of Fuck Yeah! Friendly Fire, the “de­fin­i­tive source for straight­ish porn”. Lyon’s web­site—fyfriend­ly­fire.com—fea­tures porn of the “het­eroflex­i­ble/al­most bi” va­ri­ety, i.e., two guys who aren’t afraid they’ll melt if their dicks touch while they’re hav­ing sex with the same woman. Lyon’s web­site has more than 200,000 fol­low­ers and he’s heard from lots of straight/ straight­ish guys who mas­tur­bate with— read: be­side—their straight/straight­ish male bud­dies. Lyon doesn’t have hard data for you, STEVED, only anec­dote, but it’s safe to say your fi­ancé isn’t the only straight/straight­ish guy out there who’s done a lit­tle “buddy-bat­ing”.

So why do straight/straight­ish guys do this?

“In her con­tro­ver­sial 2015 book Not Gay: Sex Be­tween Straight White Men, au­thor Jane Ward as­serts that sex­ual in­ter­ac­tion be­tween straight white men al­lows them to lever­age white­ness and mas­culin­ity to au­then­ti­cate their het­ero­sex­u­al­ity in the con­text of sex with men,” said Lyon. “That by un­der­stand­ing their same-sex sex­ual in­ter­ac­tion as mean­ing­less, ac­ci­den­tal, or even nec­es­sary, straight white men can ho­mo­sex­u­ally en­gage in het­ero­sex­ual ways. As a non­white guy my­self, it is my hal­lu­ci­na­tion that the same might be the case across racial lines as well—at least when it comes to dudes jerk­ing off to­gether.”

I’m go­ing to break in here for a

> BY DAN SAV­AGE

mo­ment: I think Ward’s book is bullshit—at least when she’s talk­ing about men who have anal/oral sex with other men on the reg­u­lar and with­out a fe­male chap­er­one. While I be­lieve a guy can have a same-sex ex­pe­ri­ence with­out hav­ing to iden­tify as gay or bi— straight men should have the same lat­i­tude on this score that straight women en­joy—straight­ness is so val­ued (and ap­par­ently so vul­ner­a­ble) that some peo­ple can look at guys who put dicks in their mouths at reg­u­lar in­ter­vals and con­struct book-length ra­tio­nal­iza­tions that al­low these guys to avoid iden­ti­fy­ing or be­ing la­belled as bi, gay, or queer. (And if suck­ing dick al­lows straight men to “au­then­ti­cate their het­ero­sex­u­al­ity”, wouldn’t there be gay men out there eat­ing pussy to “au­then­ti­cate” their ho­mo­sex­u­al­ity?) Back to Lyon…

“A lot of the straight guys who reach out to me men­tion that they en­joy bond­ing in a mas­cu­line, al­beit sex­ual, way with an­other guy, while also still only be­ing re­spon­si­ble for get­ting them­selves off,” said Lyon. “And shar­ing a mo­ment of vul­ner­a­bil­ity in this way with an­other guy strength­ens their friend­ship. STEVED’S boyfriend may be men­tion­ing this now be­cause it’s not some­thing he feels he should be ashamed of, it’s some­thing well-in­te­grated into his sex­u­al­ity and ori­en­ta­tion, and he feels it is im­por­tant to be open with his fi­ancée. Wait, what’s the prob­lem again?”

* Di­vorce and start over.

** Keep talk­ing, baby steps. But if he can’t, he can’t. Tops get to have lim­its, too.

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