Sav­age Love

The Georgia Straight - - Contents - > BY DAN SAV­AGE On the Love­cast, Min­neapo­lis mayor Betsy Hodges: sav­agelove­cast.com. Email: mail@sav­agelove.net. Twit­ter: @ fakedansav­age. ITMFA.ORG.

I am a pretty hand­some gay (I have been told) and I am dat­ing a gor­geous man. I am 34, and he is 31. I am bot­tom only, and he is top only—so it’s a good match. He seems sin­cerely in­ter­ested in me and we are talk­ing about be­ing to­gether. But here is the thing: he no­ticed that I have a rather small pe­nis. I am un­der the av­er­age, and his dick is quite big and long. Since he dis­cov­ered this, he fan­cies about “hu­mil­i­at­ing” me about my “small pee-pee”. He would even like me to show it to his friends. I am not ashamed of the size of my pe­nis be­cause it’s how I am made and I can’t change it. But I won­der what this idea means for him. I would some­how un­der­stand that he would put me down if he suf­fered from a “small dick com­plex”, but since he is so well-en­dowed, I don’t get it. Is it a com­mon turn-on for some top guys to imag­ine that their part­ner is smaller than them? Does it hide some­thing else maybe?

> HU­MIL­I­ATED OVER TACKLE

P.S. English is not my mother tongue. I apol­o­gize for this.

I don’t have a prob­lem with your English. I have a prob­lem with your po­ten­tial boyfriend.

Small pe­nis hu­mil­i­a­tion (SPH) is a kink pop­u­lar enough to have spawned a porn genre. There are more than 76,000 Sph-themed porn videos on Xtube—and Xtube is just one of the var­i­ous porn tubes out there ru­in­ing ev­ery­thing for ev­ery­one. Over at Porn­hub, there are SPH videos with more than two mil­lion views. That’s all anec­dote, not data, HOT, but it’s anec­dote enough to con­firm that, yes, small pe­nis hu­mil­i­a­tion is def­i­nitely a thing. And it can be a very good thing for guys whose erotic imag­i­na­tions trans­formed their anx­i­eties about hav­ing small dicks into a kink they en­joy.

But you are not one of those guys. You like your dick fine, and you’ve got the ex­act right at­ti­tude about your dick—in­deed, all men ev­ery­where, re­gard­less of size, should em­brace their dicks the way you’ve em­braced your own. Your dick is your dick, you can’t change it, and you shouldn’t be ashamed of it. And big or small, HOT, your dick has all the same nerve end­ings as that big and long thing on the guy who might be your boyfriend some­day (but who’s def­i­nitely a pre­sump­tu­ous ass­hole right now).

As with most kinks—bondage, cuck­old­ing, foot fetishes, di­a­pers, pup play—subs/bot­toms are way more com­mon than Doms/tops. So it’s usu­ally the guy with the small dick who ini­ti­ates small pe­nis hu­mil­i­a­tion games with his part­ner, HOT, not the boyfriend with the big­ger dick and/or the girl­friend with the pussy and/or the big­ger dick. (Some women have dicks, all women can pur­chase strap-ons.) While there are SPH tops out there, their num­bers are far smaller.

But the is­sue here isn’t stum­bling over a rare small pe­nis hu­mil­i­a­tion top in the wild, HOT, but whether or not you’re into it. Are you into power play? Do you like be­ing de­graded? Does the thought of this dude or­der­ing you to show your dick to his friends—friends who pre­sum­ably want to see your dick—turn you on in any way? If the an­swer is no, no, and FUCK NO, then tell your po­ten­tial new boyfriend to stop mak­ing fun of your cock. If the an­swer is maybe, maybe, and maybe un­der the right cir­cum­stances, then talk it over with him and work out when, where, and how you’re will­ing to in­dulge his SPH kink.

If you stay with him, you’re also go­ing to need to have a con­ver­sa­tion about con­sent. SPH isn’t some­thing you sur­prise some­one with. Like most kinks, it re­quires ad­vance dis­cus­sion, the set­ting of lim­its, and the con­sent of both par­ties. It’s wor­ri­some that this guy didn’t bother with ob­tain­ing your con­sent in ad­vance. If he doesn’t rec­og­nize that he made a mis­take and swear not to make a sim­i­lar mis­take in the fu­ture, then you’ll have to DTMFA. I’m sorry to be graphic, but it can’t be avoided. I’d like to have my fiancé come on my pussy and then have some­one else lick it off. My two ques­tions: 1) Does that fall in the realm of safe sex for the ex­tra per­son? 2) How do we find that per­son? Is there an app to meet a third or how do we find swinger par­ties in our area? Is that a de­grad­ing thing to ask some­one to do?

> PER­SON­ALLY UN­DER­STANDS SE­RI­OUS SEX­UAL YEARN­INGS

1. Nope. Var­i­ous sex­u­ally trans­mit­ted in­fec­tions—gon­or­rhea, syphilis, chlamy­dia, her­pes, HPV, et cetera—could be con­tracted by the ex­tra per­son and/ or passed on to you and your fiancé. There’s low to no risk for HIV, PUSSY, but the act nev­er­the­less falls out­side the realm of safe sex. Very lit­tle ac­tu­ally ex­ists in the realm of purely safe sex. There’s al­ways risk, we can mit­i­gate for those risks, we can make sex safer, but save for solo and cy­ber, sex is rarely ever 100 per­cent safe.

2. This is tech­ni­cally three ques­tions, PUSSY. You find that per­son by putting ads on hookup sites and/or by putting your­selves in places where you might meet that per­son, i.e., pickup joints, sex par­ties, swingers clubs. There are lots of apps out there for cou­ples seek­ing thirds, you can even ad­ver­tise as a cou­ple seek­ing a third on big dat­ing sites like Okcupid. It is a de­grad­ing thing to ask some­one to do—but since there are lots of peo­ple out there into erotic degra­da­tion, that’s a po­ten­tial sell­ing point.

I am in a re­la­tion­ship with a lovely and amaz­ing man. Ev­ery­thing could be re­ally good, if only his fa­ther would stop be­ing a creep. He’s con­stantly telling me how beau­ti­ful, smart, and at­trac­tive I am. Last year around Christ­mas, I sang a few songs when we were vis­it­ing my boyfriend’s fam­ily, and his fa­ther com­mented that I have an “erotic” voice. A few days later, I re­ceived an email from him. At­tached was a poem about my singing, where he called my voice “an­gelic” and “pure”. It made me re­ally un­com­fort­able and I told him that I don’t want to re­ceive po­ems from him and that he should stop com­pli­ment­ing me all the time. He didn’t. When I told him again to stop com­ment­ing on my ap­pear­ance, he re­sponded that I must not like my­self very much. I talked to my boyfriend’s mother, and she said she’s “given up” and ig­nores her hus­band’s be­hav­ior. It turns out that he be­haved sim­i­larly with ex-girl­friends of my boyfriend’s broth­ers. I’m so an­gry and don’t know what to do. My boyfriend sup­ports me, but it’s hard to talk about the topic.

> FUCK­ING AN­NOYED THAT HE ENGROSSES RIGHT­FUL­NESS

I’m cu­ri­ous what your boyfriend’s “sup­port” looks like, FA­THER. Does he tell you pri­vately that his fa­ther is a creep and that he wishes his dad would knock this shit off ? Or does he tell his fa­ther di­rectly that he’s be­ing a creep and in­sist he knock it off ? The lat­ter is sup­port, the for­mer is not.

I’m think­ing there’s a rea­son your boyfriend’s broth­ers only have ex­girl­friends—you don’t speak of any cur­rents, FA­THER, a highly re­veal­ing de­tail—and it’s not just be­cause their dad is a creep. It’s be­cause no one in the fam­ily is will­ing to stand up to this creep. Not his wife, not his chil­dren. If your boyfriend re­fuses to run in­ter­fer­ence and/or shut his fa­ther down, I would ad­vise you to join the list of exes. How­ever “lovely and amaz­ing” your boyfriend might be when you two are alone, if he’s use­less in the face of his fa­ther’s sex­ual ha­rass­ment, you’ll have to DTMFA too.

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