Sav­age love

The Georgia Straight - - Music -

I’m a 24-year-old non­bi­nary per­son liv­ing in Florida. I have two won­der­ful girl­friends. One I have been with for four years (we live to­gether). The other I have been with for a year-and-a-half. They’re both bril­liant, in­ter­est­ing, and kind. Both re­la­tion­ships have their is­sues, but they are mi­nor. They know each other but aren’t close. Nei­ther is in­ter­ested in peo­ple be­sides me right now, although my longer-term girl­friend iden­ti­fies as poly. They have both said that they see a fu­ture with me, but some­thing doesn’t feel right. I’ve been hav­ing fan­tasies about leav­ing them both. It’s not about want­ing to find some­one I like bet­ter—if I met some­one I re­ally liked, I could pur­sue it. I just feel like nei­ther re­la­tion­ship can progress while both ex­ist. My other friends are get­ting mar­ried. I don’t think I want to stay in this setup in­def­i­nitely. Even if my girl­friends liked each other, which they don’t, I don’t want sis­ter wives or two fam­i­lies. But I also can’t imag­ine choos­ing be­tween them. I feel like a scum­bag for even think­ing about it. I’ve talked to them, and they are both hav­ing reser­va­tions about the cur­rent sit­u­a­tion. Nei­ther of them wants some kind of three­p­er­son fam­ily struc­ture ei­ther. The only thing I can think to do (be­sides run­ning away) is wait and see if one of th­ese re­la­tion­ships fiz­zles out on its own. Are my fan­tasies of es­cape nor­mal? Is want­ing to be with “the one” just straight non­sense?

> EN­GAGED NOW BUT YEARN­ING

“The one” is non­sense, ENBY, but it’s not straight non­sense—lots of queer peo­ple be­lieve that “the one”, their per­fect match, is out there some­where. But de­spite the fact that there are no per­fect matches, peo­ple are con­stantly end­ing lov­ing re­la­tion­ships that could go the dis­tance to run off in search of “the one” that doesn’t ex­ist. As I’ve pointed out again and again, there are lots of .64s out there and, if you’re lucky, you might find a .73 lurk­ing in the pile. When you find a ser­vice­able .64 or (God will­ing) a spec­tac­u­lar .73, it’s your job to round that moth­er­fucker up to “the one”. (And don’t for­get that they’re do­ing the same for you— just as there’s no “the one” for you, you’re no one’s “the one”. Ev­ery­one is round­ing up.)

Zoom­ing in on your ques­tion, ENBY, you say what you have now— two girl­friends who can’t stand each other—is work­ing. Are you sure about that? While fan­tasies of es­cape are nor­mal—we all spend time think­ing about the road we didn’t take, the door we didn’t try, the ass we didn’t eat—it’s odd to hear some­one with two girl­friends wish for one or both to dis­ap­pear. Per­haps it’s not who you’re do­ing that’s the prob­lem, ENBY, but what you’re do­ing. The kind of polyamory you’re prac­tis­ing—con­cur­rent and equal ro­man­tic part­ner­ships—may not be right for you. I’m not try­ing to YDIW you here (“You’re do­ing it wrong!), but if you’re en­vi­ous of your friends who are set­tling down with just one part­ner, per­haps you’d be more com­fort­able in an open-not-poly re­la­tion­ship (sex with oth­ers okay, ro­mance with oth­ers not okay) or a hi­er­ar­chi­cal poly re­la­tion­ship (your pri­mary part­ner comes first, your se­condary part­ner[s] come, well, sec­ond).

Fi­nally, ENBY, it could be the stress of hav­ing two part­ners who don’t like each other that has you fan­ta­siz­ing about es­cape and/or one of your part­ners evap­o­rat­ing. Each of your girl­friends might make sense in­de­pen­dently of each other, but if hav­ing to share you doesn’t work for them, it’s never go­ing to work for you.

I’m 27 years old and I’ve been mar­ried to my part­ner for two years. I’m fac­ing a co­nun­drum: a rel­a­tive sex­u­ally abused me when I was younger. It hap­pened a hand­ful of times, and I’ve never told any­one other than my part­ner. I’m now strug­gling to de­cide not whether I should tell my par­ents (I should) but when. The abuse fucked me up in some ways, but I have been work­ing through it with a ther­a­pist. The prob­lem is my sib­lings and cousins have started hav­ing their own chil­dren, and see­ing this rel­a­tive—a mem­ber of my ex­tended fam­ily—with their kids is dredg­ing up a lot of un­com­fort­able mem­o­ries. I see this rel­a­tive fre­quently, as we all live in the area and get to­gether as a fam­ily at least once a month. I don’t have chil­dren of my own yet, but my part­ner and I have al­ready de­cided that this rel­a­tive will never touch or hold the ones we do have. So do I tell my par­ents now? My ex­tended fam­ily is tightly knit, and I fear the is­sues that shar­ing this se­cret will in­evitably cre­ate. Am I start­ing un­nec­es­sary drama since I’m not even preg­nant yet?

> MY FAM­ILY KINDA SUCKS

Your kids may not yet ex­ist, MFKS, but your young nieces, neph­ews, and cousins do—and your abuser has ac­cess to them. So the drama you fear cre­at­ing isn’t un­nec­es­sary—it’s in­cred­i­bly nec­es­sary. And since you were plan­ning to tell your par­ents even­tu­ally, the drama is in­evitable. But let’s say you wait to tell your par­ents un­til you have chil­dren of your own—how will you feel if you learn, af­ter the cur­tain goes up on this drama, that this rel­a­tive had sex­u­ally abused an­other child in your fam­ily (or mul­ti­ple chil­dren in your fam­ily, or chil­dren out­side your fam­ily) in the weeks, months, or years be­tween your de­ci­sion to tell your par­ents and the mo­ment you told them?

My part­ner does phone­sex work. A lot of the calls are from “straight” guys who ask to be “forced” to suck cock. (We as­sume the forced part is be­cause they think there’s some­thing wrong with be­ing gay.) We’re won­der­ing if there is a sex-pos­i­tive word we should be us­ing to de­scribe th­ese guys. If not, your read­ers should coin one, so all us straight dudes who love dick can take pride in our de­sires. Fill in the blank: “_______: a 100-per­cent straight guy who also loves suck­ing dick (and per­haps tak­ing it in the ass).”

> COCKSUCKERS NEED NOUN

The kink you de­scribe al­ready has a name—forced bi—and a forced-bi scene usu­ally goes some­thing like this: a guy who would never, ever suck a cock be­cause he’s to­tally straight gets down on his knees and sucks cocks on the or­ders of

> BY DAN SAV­AGE

his fe­male dom­i­nant. Since this to­tally straight guy sucks cock only to please a woman, there’s noth­ing gay and/or bi about all the cocks he puts in his mouth. It’s one very par­tic­u­lar way in which male bi­sex­u­al­ity is ex­pressed—think of it as male bi­sex­ual de­sire af­ter het­ero fragility, gay panic, de­nial, re­li­gion, gen­der norms, and foot­ball get through kick­ing the shit out of it. Para­dox­i­cally, CNN, by the time a guy asks a woman to force him to suck a cock, he’s al­low­ing him­self to suck a cock and there­fore no longer in de­nial. (And, yes, guys into forced bi are free to iden­tify as straight—in­deed, they have to keep iden­ti­fy­ing as straight, since iden­ti­fy­ing as bi would fa­tally un­der­mine the trans­gres­sion that makes their per­fectly le­git­i­mate kink arous­ing.) But what to call th­ese guys? Well, CNN, some peo­ple into BDSM call them­selves “BDSMERS.” But “forcedbi’ers” doesn’t trip quite so eas­ily off the tongue—so maybe we go with “cocksuckers”? It’s an emas­cu­lat­ing slur, one that straight­i­den­ti­fied men throw around to get, um, a rise out of each other. (Call an out-and-over-it gay man a cock­sucker and all you’ll get in re­turn is a “No shit.”) But while “you’re a cock­sucker” may be fight­ing words for a straight guy, they’re highly arous­ing ones for a straight-iden­ti­fied guy into forced bi.

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