Savage love

I’m a 33-year-old woman from Melbourne, Australia, dating a 24-yearold man. We’ve been dating for about eight months; it is exclusive and official. He’s kind and sweet, caring and giving, and his penis is divine. The thing is, he confessed to me recently that he doesn’t really “feel”. The way he explained it is the only emotions he feels are fear and anxiousness that he’ll disappoint the people he cares about. He says he’s never been in love. He said his dad is the same way. The only time I see him really “feel” is when he’s high, which he is semifrequently. He uses MDMA and he comes alive. He seems the way a “normal” person does when they’re in love, but when he’s sober, it’s like he’s trying to mimic the things a person in love would say or do. I confessed I am falling in love with him recently and told him I wasn’t saying this with any expectation of him feeling the same; I just wanted him to know. He responded that he cares for me a lot—but that’s it. I’m now worried that he’ll never love me. I don’t want kids, so time isn’t critical for me, but I don’t want to be with someone who won’t ever love me.

> LACKING ONE VAUNTED EMOTION that aren’t there) but because it allows genuine feelings to surface and, for a few hours, to be felt intensely. So he can feel love—he just has to learn how to tap into those feelings and/or recognize them without an assist from MDMA.

Jon Ronson had one last bit of advice for you, LOVE: “Marry him and his divine penis!”

I agree with Jon, of course, but a long, leisurely engagement is definitely in order. Don’t propose to him for at least another year, LOVE, and make marriage conditional upon him seeing a shrink four times as often as he sees his MDMA dealer.

Follow Jon Ronson on Twitter @ jonronson, read all of his books (So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed? is urgently required reading for anyone who spends time online), and check out his amazing podcast, The Butterfly Effect. To access all things Jon Ronson, go to Jonronson.com.

My boyfriend of 1.5 years shared (several months into dating) that he has a fantasy of having a threesome. I shared that I had also fantasized about this but I never took my fantasies seriously. Right away, he started sending me Craigslist posts from women and couples looking for casual-sex partners. I told him I wasn’t interested in doing anything for real. A few months later, we went on vacation and I said I wanted to get a massage. He found a place that did “sensual” couples massage. I wanted nothing to do with this. During sex, he talks about the idea of someone else being around. This does turn me on and I like thinking about it when we are messing around. But I don’t want to have any other partners. I’m like a mashup of Jessica Day, Leslie Knope, and Liz Lemon, if that gives you an idea of how not for me this all is. When I say no to one idea, he comes up with another one. I would truly appreciate some advice.

> BOYFRIEND INTO GROUP SEX I’M NOT

Short answer: sexual compatibility is important. It’s particularly important in a sexually exclusive relationship. You want a sexually exclusive relationship; your boyfriend doesn’t want a sexually exclusive relationship—so you two aren’t sexually compatible, BIGSIN, and you should break up.

Slightly longer answer: your boyfriend did the right thing by laying his kink cards on the table early in the relationship—he’s into threesomes, group sex, and public sex—and you copped to having fantasies about threesomes, BIGSIN, but not a desire to experience one. He took that as an opening: maybe if he could find the right person/couple/ scenario/club, you would change your mind. Further fuelling his false hopes: you get turned on when he talks about having “someone else around” when you two have sex. Now, lots of people who very much enjoy threesomes and/ or group sex were unsure or hesitant at first but gave in to please (or shut up) a partner and wound up being glad they did. If you’re certain you could never be one of those people, you need to shut this shit down, Liz Lemon–style. Tell him no more dirty talking about this shit during sex, no more entertaining the idea at all. Being with you means giving up this fantasy, BIGSIN, and if

> BY DAN SAVAGE

he’s not willing to give it up—and to shut up about it—then you’ll have to break up.

I’m an 18-year-old woman who has been with my current boyfriend for a year, but this has been an issue across all of my sexual relationships. In order to reach climax, I have to fantasize about kinky role-play–type situations. I don’t think I want to actually act out the situations/roles because of the degrading/shameful feelings they dredge up, but the idea of other people doing them is so hot. This frustrates me because it takes me out of the moment with my partner. I’m literally thinking about other people during sex when I should be thinking about him! What can I do to be more in the moment?

> DISTRACTED EARNEST GIRLFRIEND REQUIRES A DIFFERENT EXCITEMENT

Actually, doing the kinky role-play– type things you “have to” fantasize about in order to come would help you feel more connected to your boyfriend—but to do that, DEGRADE, you need to stop kink-shaming yourself. So instead of thinking of those kinky role-play–type things as degrading or shameful, think of them as exciting and playful. Exciting because they excite you (duh) and playful because that’s literally what kinky role-play– type things are: play. It’s cops and robbers for grownups with your pants off, DEGRADE, but this game doesn’t end when Mom calls you in for dinner; it ends when you come. So long as you suppress your kinks, your boyfriend will never truly know you and you’ll never feel truly connected to him.