Sav­age love

The Georgia Straight - - Classifieds -

First let me say that I think you give ex­cel­lent ad­vice, even if it is a bit pedes­trian at times. I have a small prob­lem: last fall, my pe­nis bent up and to the left at an al­most 90 de­gree an­gle. I know from Google that this is not an un­usual prob­lem. And at 59, I am thank­ful that things are work­ing as well as they are. But I fly glid­ers, and the re­lief sys­tem is a “Texas catheter” with a drain line to out­side the glider. I be­lieve that the bend­ing on my pe­nis may be the re­sult of trauma caused by re­mov­ing the catheter. In your many years of deal­ing with pe­nis prob­lems—i know you are not a urol­o­gist, but still—have you run across prob­lems of a sim­i­lar na­ture? Is there a way to re­move ad­he­sive from the pe­nis that will not cause trauma? Glid­ing sea­son will be start­ing soon, and I dread us­ing the same sys­tem if it will cause more dam­age. My part­ner is an amaz­ing wo­man—70, by the way, and by far the best part­ner I have ever had (oh, my brethren, do not look only to youth!)—but I dread fur­ther dam­ag­ing my mem­ber.


First let me say thank you for the qual­i­fied com­pli­ment—you sure know how to flat­ter a girl—and I’ll try to keep my trade­mark ex­cel­len­tif-pedes­trian ad­vice com­ing, HUNG. Also, you’re right, I’m not a urol­o­gist. But Dr. Keith New­man is. He’s also a fel­low of the Amer­i­can Col­lege of Sur­geons and my go-to guy for dick­re­lated med­i­cal ques­tions.

“It is not likely that HUNG’S drainage sys­tem caused the prob­lem,” said New­man. “His con­di­tion sounds like Pey­ronie’s dis­ease, a pos­si­bly au­toim­mune dis­ease thought to be re­lated to mi­cro­trauma, though some pe­nile frac­tures may re­sult in sim­i­lar de­for­mity.”

Men with Pey­ronie’s dis­ease come down with, well, bent dicks. Some­times the bend is slight and doesn’t in­ter­fere with rea­son­able pe­nile func­tions. Some­times the bend is se­vere enough to make erec­tions painful and in­ter­course im­pos­si­ble.

“Most suf­fer­ers will re­turn to within 10 to 20 per­cent of their base­line cur­va­ture within two years with­out in­ter­ven­tion,” said New­man. “Thus, it is con­sid­ered best to de­fer ther­apy un­til such time has elapsed. Ninety de­grees is quite a big bend, how­ever, and less likely to re­solve spon­ta­neously, but its still worth wait­ing.”

If your big bend doesn’t re­solve spon­ta­neously, HUNG, there are treat­ment op­tions.

“The only real ther­a­pies are Xi­aflex in­jec­tions and sur­gi­cal re­pair,” said New­man. “The for­mer is not ap­proved for pa­tients less than two years from di­ag­no­sis or with less than 35 de­grees of cur­va­ture. The lat­ter is fraught with in­creased com­pli­ca­tion rates due to scar­ring so near the tip. Both can straighten the pe­nis, but at a cost of length in many cases. As for drainage al­ter­na­tives while glid­ing, I sug­gest the fol­low­ing prod­uct: free­dom.menslib­” I’m a 37-year-old male. I’ve been with my wife for 15 years. I know that pas­sion tran­si­tions in a long-term re­la­tion­ship, but I’m hav­ing a hard time fi nish­ing lately. Yes, I’m on Ss­ris—an­tide­pres­sants—but that has only ex­ac­er­bated the is­sue. We all know that a lot of peo­ple who own a vag­ina en­joy fore­play to help the or­gasms along. Will fore­play help peo­ple who own a pe­nis get to the mo­ment faster? I’m pretty sure I know the an­swer, and I fig­ured you’re the one to ask what the best fore­play op­tions are be­cause your sex­ual knowl­edge is vast and you reg­u­larly deal with two penises at a time. As some­one who plea­sures a pe­nis and who has a pe­nis that is plea­sured, what is the best preparation to get guys off be­fore the in­ser­tion hap­pens?


Fore­play isn’t just for vag­ina havers, SWOMPS! Pe­nis havers have nerve end­ings all over their bod­ies—in­side ’em, too—and while many younger men don’t re­quire much in the way of fore­play, older men and/or men tak­ing SS­RIS of­ten ben­e­fit from ad­di­tional forms of stim­u­la­tion both prior to in­ter­course and dur­ing in­ter­course. Like tit play. I know some men can’t go there be­cause that tit-play shit— like feel­ings, mu­si­cals, sit-ups, and vot­ing for women—could turn you gay. But if you’re up for it, SWOMPS, have the wife play with or even clamp your tits, and then shove a plug in your ass that stim­u­lates your prostate while also re­mem­ber­ing to en­gage what’s of­ten called “the largest sex or­gan”: your brainz. Talk dirty to each other! If you’re al­ready pro­fi­cient at JV dirty talk—telling ’em what you’re about to do (“I’m go­ing to fuck the shit out of you”), telling ’em what you’re do­ing (“I’m fuck­ing the shit out of you”), telling ’ em what you did (“I fucked the shit out of you”)—move on to var­sity dirty talk: talk about your fan­tasies, awe­some ex­pe­ri­ences you’ve had in the past, things you’d like to try or try again with your part­ner. To get your dick there—to push past those Ss­ris—fire on all cylin­ders (tits, hole, brain, mouth, and cock) be­fore and dur­ing in­ser­tion.

I’m a 32-year-old English guy, and this morn­ing I was di­ag­nosed as Hiv-pos­i­tive. I’m in a bit of a state. I haven’t told any­one, and I needed to get it out. I’m in a long-term, mostly monog­a­mous re­la­tion­ship, but my boyfriend is overseas for work at the mo­ment, so I can’t re­ally talk to him about it. So I’m talk­ing to you.


I’m so sorry, DADAC. I hope you have a friend you can con­fide in, be­cause you need a shoul­der to cry on and I can’t pro­vide that for you here.

What I can pro­vide is some per­spec­tive. I’m just a lit­tle older than you— okay, I’m a whole lot older than you. I came out in the sum­mer of 1981— and two years later, healthy, young gay men started to sicken and die. Dur­ing the 1980s and most of the 1990s, learn­ing you were Hiv-pos­i­tive meant you had a year or two to live. To­day, a per­son with HIV is ex­pected to live a nor­mal life span— so long as they have ac­cess to treat­ment and they’re tak­ing their meds. And once you’re


on meds, DADAC, your vi­ral load will fall to un­de­tectable lev­els and you won’t be able to pass HIV on to any­one else (un­de­tectable = un­in­fec­tious). Ar­guably, your boyfriend and your other sex part­ners are safer now that you know than they were be­fore you were di­ag­nosed. Be­cause it’s not Hiv-pos­i­tive men on meds who are in­fect­ing peo­ple, it’s men who aren’t on meds be­cause they don’t know they’re Hiv-pos­i­tive.

I don’t mean to min­i­mize your dis­tress, DADAC. The news you just re­ceived is dis­tress­ing and lifechang­ing. But it’s not as dis­tress­ing as it was three decades ago, and it doesn’t mean your life is over. I re­mem­ber hold­ing a boyfriend on the day he was di­ag­nosed as Hiv-pos­i­tive more than 25 years ago, both of us weep­ing un­con­trol­lably. His di­ag­no­sis meant he was go­ing to die soon. Yours doesn’t. You have a lot of time left , and if you get into treat­ment and take your meds, DADAC, you will live a long and healthy life, a life fi lled with love, con­nec­tion, and in­ti­macy. Spend some time feel­ing sorry for your­self, feel the fuck out of those feel­ings, and then go live your life—live it for all the guys who didn’t get to cel­e­brate their 33rd birthdays.

P. S. Don’t wait un­til your boyfriend re­turns to tell him. He needs to get tested right away.

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