Sav­age Love

The Georgia Straight - - Contents -

Sav­age Love Live at Den­ver’s Ori­en­tal The­ater last week was epic. I fielded sex ques­tions in front of a sold-out crowd, singer-song­writer Rachel Lark per­formed amaz­ing new songs, co­me­dian Elise Kerns ab­so­lutely killed it, and Tye—a to­ken straight guy plucked at ran­dom from the au­di­ence—joined us on-stage and gave some pretty great sex ad­vice! We couldn’t get to all the au­di­ence ques­tions dur­ing the show, so I’m go­ing to race through as many unan­swered ques­tions as I can in this week’s col­umn…

You’ve fa­mously said, “Oral comes stan­dard.” How long be­fore anal comes stan­dard?

How does a week from next Tues­day grab you?

I en­joyed a great sex life with many kinky ad­ven­tures until my hus­band died sud­denly two years ago. I have in­sur­ance $$$ and a house to sell and a dream of us­ing the pro­ceeds to be­come a sex-pos­i­tive ther­a­pist. Crazy idea? Or some­thing the world needs more of?

Judg­ing by how many peo­ple tell me they’re hav­ing a hard time find­ing sex-pos­i­tive, kink-pos­i­tive, open­pos­i­tive, and poly-pos­i­tive ther­a­pists, I would def­i­nitely file “sex-pos­i­tive ther­a­pist” un­der “world needs more of”. Chase that dream!

How do you in­tro­duce your in­ex­pe­ri­enced-but-will­ing-to-try part­ner to BDSM? By start­ing a two-per­son book club. Or­der Play­ing Well With Oth­ers: Your Field Guide to Dis­cov­er­ing, Ex­plor­ing, and Nav­i­gat­ing the Kink, Leather, and BDSM Com­mu­ni­ties, by Lee Har­ring­ton and Mol­lena Wil­liams; The Ul­ti­mate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play, and the Erotic Edge, edited by Tris­tan Taormino; and SM 101: A Re­al­is­tic In­tro­duc­tion, by Jay Wise­man. Read and dis­cuss, and dis­cuss some more—and when you’re ready to start play­ing, take it slow! What re­sources are avail­able—which do you rec­om­mend—to share with my male part­ner so he can im­prove (learn) oral sex? (Girl oral sex!)

Two more book recommendations: The Ul­ti­mate Guide to Cun­nilin­gus: How to Go Down on a Woman and Give Her Ex­quis­ite Plea­sure, by Vi­o­let Blue; and She Comes First: The Think­ing Man’s Guide to Plea­sur­ing a Woman, by Ian Kerner.

My boyfriend told me that women or­gasm only 60 per­cent of the time com­pared to men. I said I want or­gasm eq­uity. How do I nav­i­gate his pansy-assed male ego to find a so­lu­tion?

The or­gasm gap—91 per­cent of men re­ported cli­max­ing in their last op­po­site-sex sexual en­counter com­pared to 64 per­cent of women (Na­tional Sur­vey of Sexual Health and Be­hav­ior)—doesn’t ex­ist for les­bians and bi women in same-sex re­la­tion­ships. So the prob­lem isn’t women and their elu­sive or­gasms, it’s men and their lazy-ass bull­shit. A con­tribut­ing fac­tor is that women of­ten have a hard time ad­vo­cat­ing for their own plea­sure be­cause they’ve been so­cial­ized to de­fer to men. There’s ev­i­dence of that in your ques­tion: you want to nav­i­gate this prob­lem—the prob­lem be­ing a self­ish boyfriend who doesn’t care enough about you to pri­or­i­tize your plea­sure and has taken cover be­hind the or­gasm gap—but you want to spare his ego in the process. Fuck his pre­cious ego. Tell him what you want and show him what it takes to get you off. If he re­fuses to do his part to close the or­gasm gap in your apart­ment, show him the door. How do you pri­or­i­tize sex with your part­ner when life gets so busy and mas­tur­ba­tion is so much eas­ier? My fi­ancé is down for quick­ies some­times but not al­ways.

For­give my tau­tol­ogy, but you pri­or­i­tize sex by pri­or­i­tiz­ing sex. Sched­uled sex can be awe­some sex—and when you’re truly pressed for time, you can al­ways mas­tur­bate to­gether. How do I come out to my fam­ily as a strip­per? I’ve been danc­ing for more than two years and don’t plan to stop. Some of my fam­ily mem­bers are bi­ased against sex work­ers, but I’m tired of keep­ing up the façade (I told them I’m a bar­tender).

It’s a catch-22: peo­ple are afraid to come out to their closed-minded fam­i­lies as queer or poly or sex work­ers or athe­ists, but close-minded fam­i­lies typ­i­cally don’t open their minds until af­ter their queer or poly or sex-work­ing or non­be­liev­ing kids come out to them. To open their minds, you’ll have to risk blow­ing them first. Tell them your truth and stand your ground. I keep hav­ing sex dreams about Kanye West. What does that mean?

You’re Mike Pence.

Am I do­ing so­ci­ety a dis­ser­vice by dat­ing an in­ter­na­tional drug dealer?

A sex­u­ally frus­trated in­ter­na­tional drug dealer is ar­guably more dan­ger­ous than a sex­u­ally sat­is­fied in­ter­na­tional drug dealer—so you may be do­ing so­ci­ety a ser­vice.

Can I want to be monog­a­mous with­out any rea­son­ing? My boyfriend would probs be in an open re­la­tion­ship, but I’m not in­ter­ested for no rea­son in par­tic­u­lar.

Speak­ing with a low-in­for­ma­tion voter is frus­trat­ing be­cause they can’t tell you why they voted for some­one; speak­ing with a low-in­for­ma­tion fucker—some­one who can’t tell you why they’re do­ing/screw­ing what they’re do­ing/screw­ing—is just as frus­trat­ing. It’s even more frus­trat­ing when the low-in­for­ma­tion/ low-self-awareness fucker hap­pens to be the per­son you’re fuck­ing. It’s fine to want what you want—be­cause of course it is—but un­less you’re in­ter­ested only in solo sex, you need to be able to share your rea­sons.

I dated a guy who said he was in an open re­la­tion­ship. We started work­ing to­gether on a pod­cast. I got ir­ri­tated be­cause af­ter two months he never did any pre­lim­i­nary re­search. When I pointed that out, he deleted all our work and blocked me on FB. Now he’s ask­ing for some stuff he left at my place. Do I give it back? Yep. As tempt­ing as it might be to hold on to his stuff or trash it, that just keeps this drama alive. If you keep his stuff, he’ll keep af­ter you for it. If you trash his stuff, you’ll have to worry about the sit­u­a­tion es­ca­lat­ing. If you want him out of your life and out of your head, put his crap in a bag, set it on your porch or leave it with a neu­tral third party, and tell him when he can swing by and get it.

How clean should a bot­tom be? A lit­tle bit of shit is kinda ex­pected, isn’t it? I mean, you are fuck­ing an ass, right?

My ex­pec­ta­tions for ster­ling silver, crys­tal stemware, and fuck­able ass are the same: I want it sparkling.

Zoom­ing out: One doesn’t have anal sex with an ass full of shit for the same rea­son one doesn’t have oral sex with a mouth full of food— it’s go­ing to make a mess. Mak­ing sure your mouth is empty is easy, of course, but it’s not that dif­fi­cult to empty or clean out an ass. Also, a good, fi­bre-rich diet emp­ties and cleans out the ass nat­u­rally. Yes, you are fuck­ing an ass, that’s true, and shit some­times hap­pens. The top shouldn’t poop-shame the bot­tom when it does hap­pen, and the bot­tom doesn’t need to have a melt­down. It just means you need to pivot to some other sexual ac­tiv­ity—af­ter a quick cleanup re­stores the sparkle.

On the Love­cast: a study of lethal as­phyx­i­a­tion. Spoiler: don’t do it. Lis­ten at sav­agelove­cast.com. Email: mail@sav­agelove.net. Fol­low Dan on Twit­ter @fakedansav­age. ITMFA.ORG.

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