Partners’ needs and deeds don’t always jibe
Dan Savage
I’M A 62-YEAR-OLD woman. I was married for 33 years and left five years ago. We hadn’t gotten along for years, but he never stopped wanting or valuing me for sex—in spite of treating me like a household appliance and cheating on me regularly. Not long after the marriage ended, I met a guy online “Good for her for getting out of a marriage (my same age) who ticked nearly every where she was treated like a box on my partner checklist—one of ‘household appliance’ and getting back which was an ongoing interest in maintaining in the dating game,” said Joan Price,
Naked at Our Age: sexual relations. In the beginning, author of the books
Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex things were hot and crazy—but and
The Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50. they cooled after a few months (going “But from once or twice a day to maybe her new relationship, while it sounds once a month). Other than that, the comfortable and affectionate, doesn’t relationship continued to grow and we sound sexually fulfilling.” enjoyed being together. I tried to carefully This relationship doesn’t just broach the subject, but he was sound unfulfilling sexually, SAP, it not forthcoming. I’m not proud of it, sounds infuriating generally. You but I checked his Internet history. Big entered into this relationship under
lots of porn. surprise: No animals or children, false pretences. You let your partner but pretty much everything else, know that “an ongoing interest in with an accent on trans. Eventually, maintaining sexual relations” was a I admitted my sleuthing and asked priority for you, and he allowed you if his viewing habits were an indicator to believe it was a priority for him. of his interests or the reason he In fairness to him, SAP, he may not had turned away from me. After the have known himself to be incapable anger subsided, he explained that he of sustaining a strong sexual connection, had been single most of his life and seeing as he’s been single had more or less gotten used to taking for most of his life. But even if he care of business solo. Also that the wasn’t aware he couldn’t meet your women he had been with who floated needs then, that doesn’t change the his boat sexually had been bad (crazy/ fact that you aren’t valued/fucked unstable) in the partner department, the way you want to be valued/ and the good partners (me) had been fucked now. less than satisfying for him in bed. “I think her best option is to stay The bottom line is that we are compatible friends with this guy but start dating in most every other area and and having sex with others,” said Price. have built a comfortable life together. “She could continue to have occasional We have intercourse every four to six sex with this man if they both agree to weeks, and maybe once in between he a nonexclusive, friends-with-benefits will pleasure me. I enjoy both, and also arrangement. Or they could become take care of myself once a week. The platonic pals, if that’s better for them. struggle for me is more ego-driven. I’m But it’s imperative that she talk candidly no raving beauty, but I am reasonably with him.”
You write that you tried to “carefully broach the subject, but he was not forthcoming”, but Price wonders whether you were forthcoming yourself. “‘Carefully broach’ usually means ‘I was vague,’ ” said Price. “Suppose, instead, she said, ‘I really value you, but I don’t think we’re well-matched sexually. How can we adjust our relationship so we’re not putting sexual pressure on each other and we’re both free to find other sexual outlets?’ ”
Your partner has an outlet that works for him and pretty much meets all his needs—porn and his own hand—but you don’t have an outlet that provides you with the feeling of being desired and valued sexually. Watching porn and/or “taking care of yourself” isn’t going to meet your needs. So the question is this: do you have to exit this loving relationship to get your needs met, or can you stay with your current partner, a man who meets your emotional and social needs, while getting your sexual needs met elsewhere?
“SAP deserves a partner who match- es her sexually,” said Price. And I agree.
If you’re telling yourself that you’ll have to settle for someone who claims he can’t perform for you because you’re not unstable enough to turn him on— you do realize that compliment he paid you (you’re so good!) was actually a dishonest bit of blame-shifting/ responsibility-dodging, right?—then you’re selling yourself short.
“I know from personal experience and from the swelling of my inbox that many of us find hot, fabulous sexual partners in our 60s, 70s, and beyond,” said Price. “It’s never too late. She shouldn’t settle for sex that’s less than satisfying, and neither should he. If that means she looks for