J.Lo and Shakira exposed hypocrisy
GIVEN PAST SUPER BOWL dubious spectacles— Nipplegate, a head-scratchingly shirtless Adam Levine, the Red Hot Chili Peppers playing Guitar Hero on live television—this Sunday’s halftime show hardly seemed like an egregious offence to human decency. But because America is the land where morality is a fluid concept, the Kansas City Chiefs–San Francisco 49ers showcase was immediately framed as an event where two flaming whores of Babylon ruined football for God-fearing families from New York, New York to Silicon Valley.
The offenders in question were of course Shakira and Jennifer Lopez, two women of Latin American lineage who delivered 15 minutes of glitter-spackled entertainment during Super Bowl LIV’s halftime show. For those who missed it, Shakira was on deck first, using her six minutes to not only repeatedly shake what the good lord gave her, but show off her chops with a guitar that clearly wasn’t plugged in and tie herself up with rope sourced in the light-bondage section at Home Depot. Then J.Lo arrived out of nowhere on a stripper’s pole in rump-baring black leather chaps, spending her six minutes sliding crotchfirst into the camera and eventually wrapping herself in a boalike flag that somehow managed to incense half of America and all of Puerto Rico. The two of them then tag-teamed for a truly epic display of unadulterated ass-shaking, the finale of which had them looking justifiably proud of what they had wrought.
Immediately, America lost its shit in a way that made one wonder if we’re talking about the same country that considers Farrah Fawcett’s nipple poster a national popart treasure. And treats porn stars like Ron Jeremy, Jenna Jameson, and Tommy Lee like rock stars.
Speaking of rock stars, Twisted Sister frontman Dee Snider was amongst the first to weigh in. The man who spent the ’80s dressing like a trans version of an Australian’s nightmare—and who famously battled Tipper Gore and the PMRC, staunchly defending every musician’s right to be obscene and offensive—took about 3.2 seconds to work himself into a lather, taking to Twitter to rant, “Beginning to pole humping, ass slapping, ass shaking end. If that’s the requirements for a half-time show, none of the rock bands I know can or will do that.”
Snider was, of course, describing every video made by every hair-metal band in the ’80s.
Working through all the morally outraged Tweets here would take three or four weeks. But one of the best came from Franklin Graham, whose day job is apparently President of Samaritan’s Purse and the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association. Evidently unaware that he lives in a country where films like Riveted Rectums 6 and
Titty Titty Gang Bang are instantly accessible to anyone with an Internet connection, he tweeted, “I don’t expect the world to act like the church, but our country has had a sense of moral decency on prime time TV.”
What was perplexing was both Shakira and Lopez were wearing 10 times more clothes than, say, the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, who’ve spent decades working the premise that all-American football fans love camel toes and heaving cleavage. Evidently, it’s okay for kids to watch cheerleaders shake their scantily-clad asses as long as the sex is being sold on the sidelines, not at centre stage.
USA Today columnist Gil Smart, meanwhile, penned an essay that included “the NFL has an obligation to warn people with children that what they’re about to see may be upsetting to some viewers.”
You know, like the Red Hot Chili Peppers hitting the Super Bowl stage completely shirtless in 2014, that evidently fine for family viewing because the band’s members are white, male, and weren’t wearing tube socks on their cocks like in the olden days.
Or Adam Levine starting out sporting a tank top inspired by a ’70s sofa, and then stripping off said offending garment to showcase his shiny sweat-soaked nipples, thereby giving an eyeful to kids from the Carolina coast to the Pacific Northwest. Funnily, no one cared, making this weekend’s outrage all the more puzzling. Not to mention fucking hypocritical.
Sometimes you can get away with plenty if you’re white, male, and will make a concerted effort not to shake your ass. Or if you’re an NFL cheerleader who’s part of a culture that has celebrated joyful ass-shaking and knocker worship since Knute Rockne was king. Live and learn, America, because it’s likely no accident J.Lo and Shakira left the Super Bowl stage laughing.