Mental health issues shouldn’t bar relationship
Iwant to thank everyone who attended our third Savage Love Livestream last Saturday night. Mistress Matisse was our very special guest, and we tackled a lot of questions about BDSM. We didn’t get to every question, but I will now power through as many livestream leftovers as I can…
➧ YOU SAY PEOPLE need to be in “good working order” to be in a relationship. What if you will never be in “good working order” because you cope with a mental health condition?
Having a mental health condition isn’t proof a person isn’t or can’t be in good working order; likewise, not having a mental health condition isn’t proof a person is in good working order. I mean, we all know people without mental health conditions who are walking disasters. Now, someone with a mental health condition who refuses to get help or to stay on their meds might not be in good enough working order to be in or sustain a relationship. But taking care of ourselves is one of the most important ways we demonstrate that we are, in actual fact, in good enough working order to fuck, date, or marry. Or all three.
So, far from proving you’re not fit to be in a relationship, having a mental health condition that you’re doing something about—that you’re actively coping with— is evidence you are in good working order.
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I’M A BI widower and not out to anyone. While teaching a Zoom class to young people, I accidentally left open a tab that read “gay”. One of the students alerted me in the chat and I closed it right away. It was embarrassing and awkward. Should I just ignore it or address it in some way?
If you wanted to come out you could seize this opportunity to do so. If you don’t want to come out, well, you aren’t obligated to, gay tab or no gay tab.
Unless parents are complaining and demanding an explanation, you’re free to shrug this off. And if someone assumes you’re gay because they saw a gay tab, well, you’re free to tell them that they’re mistaken… because you’re not gay, you’re bi.
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I’M WAY MORE into BDSM than my huzzben. He enjoys it, but he does not initiate play. How can I encourage him to be the instigator of rough sex? We have negotiated limits and safe words, but he finds using restraints and toys to be too much work!
Since your huzzben has made it clear that restraints and toys are a too much work, I would advise you to relieve him of the burden of tying you up and shoving toys in your ass by finding a third who enjoys your kinks and/or regularly attending play parties with or without your husband—when the pandemic ends, of course.
Who knows? Your husband might not like doing the work of tying you up but he might enjoy making out with you (or someone else) while someone else does the work of tying you up.
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IF MY FIANCÉ bought a house, do we say, “We bought a house”? I got laid off at the start of the pandemic, but her career has taken off and she’s proud of being able to afford a house all on her own. So how do we keep things respectful while still honouring
her accomplishment? She wants the house to feel like mine as well. (I’m a dude.)
To “Hey, casual we got acquaintances, a new place.” To you close could friends say, and family, you could say, “She’s doing so well that she bought this house—I’m really proud of her and so lucky to be with her.” Hell, you could say those things to casual acquaintances and close friends interchangeably, because both are true. And assuming you live in a marital-property state, Mr. Dude, the house becomes yours, too, after you’re married.
➧ at-risk I HAVE youth” A question who about work the on “tech-savvy, the Savage Lovecast. Wouldn’t it be nicer to just refer to them as the tech-savvy youth? How do they feel about having the “at risk” label applied to them? Surely it gives you guys a perhaps deserved pat on the back, but I can’t help thinking that little bit of stigma could be damaging.
I was once an “at risk” youth myself and even though I enjoyed and benefited from programs that were specifically created to help teens/youth in my situation, I was always keenly aware that it made me feel “less than” and like I needed special treatment.
I wasn’t trying to give myself a pat on the back when I started referring to the kids who were working on the Lovecast as the “tech-savvy, at-risk youth.” It was just a joke—maybe not a funny one—as they were all certainly tech-savvy, for sure, but the only risk they were running was being in the same room with me.
I’m sorry if that joke reminds you of a time in your life when you felt “less than”.
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I’M A 27-YEAR-OLD queer/poly woman from NYC. My question: I used to babysit
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my friend’s baby. And when I would show up to babysit, her husband would be there to let me in to the apartment and we would chat for 10 minutes before he left for work. I don’t babysit anymore, but sometimes he texts me a picture of the baby and I’ll reply with, “So cute!” That felt normal. But one day he texted me two selfies. I didn’t reply because I thought that was weird. Is this something I should mention to my friend? I can’t tell if this is weird enough to bring up to her. Or is there something I should have said to him?
You don’t know what’s going on in your friend’s relationship—maybe flirting with others is allowed—but you do know how you feel about her husband sending your selfies: you don’t like it. If your silence wasn’t enough to put a stop to it and he sends more photos and/or messages that make you feel uncomfortable, tell him to knock it off.
If he doesn’t knock it off, tell him he’s gonna leave you no choice but to alert his wife.
If he still doesn’t knock it off, alert his wife.
Thanks again to everyone who joined us for the livestream, and we’re going to schedule another one very soon!