Don’t rush in to new relationship

Question- I’m in my 50s. My husband had a relationship with another woman four years ago. We fought daily for two years. I wanted to end my life.

We don’t fight anymore because I gave up. I tried to get a separation agreement but he doesn’t want it.

We have three children, the youngest is ten. I’m most concerned about her. She doesn’t want us to separate.

I met a guy through Facebook. He came to Canada to see me in person and he’s a respected man.

I have feelings for him. Please tell me what to do. Stuck in Bad Place Answer- Moving forward with a new man about whom you still know little, and without a legal separation, opens up all kinds of negative possibilities. These include the guy turning out to be less than what you think, your husband’s anger and possible decision to withhold support funds, and your daughter rebelling against too much change with too little focus on her needs.

Get legal advice. If you and your husband can’t get to counselling together (you should try), take the proper steps to separate legally and work out the finances.

If all you want is to be “rescued” by this new man, you’re doing nothing for your own independence and inner strength to handle a next relationship.

Take time with getting to know this person and make sure your “feelings” come from real trust. You need to be certain that he’s not attached to someone else back home, nor just looking to be sponsored to move to Canada.

Dear Readers - There were so many responses to the question, “How to Survive a Break-up” (Sept. 30), I’m publishing a final two more here: Reader #1 - “At 46, I left a stale marriage and entered a two-year relationship that had me on Cloud Nine. He ended it and couldn’t explain why. I was devastated.

“I forced myself to find new friends and activities, unrelated to my marriage or him. I looked at my new single life as a gift of freedom, to start over with a clean slate.

“When feeling stronger, I resurrected an old dream - to work in another country.

“I accepted a three-year contract, stayed for nine, eventually retired to a different country. By moving thousands of miles away and adjusting to a new job and new culture, I had less time to pine or try to resume the broken relationship.

“Twenty years later, I see that my pain was a stepping stone onto a different path, one that has given my life an enrichment I never could have had, if I’d remained in either the marriage or the relationship.” Reader #2 - “I’m surviving the end of a happy relationship - the difference is that the end was caused by death.

“I’ve learned that first you must learn to believe in yourself and to trust your own decisions. There will be plenty of sadness and this is normal. Grief for the loss of the relationship is a very individual process, but you must try not to let it take over your entire life.

“Change of any kind is frightening and stressful. Surround yourself with positive people who’ll encourage you.

“Try new experiences, so you can learn to feel good about your own accomplishments.

“Do NOT be in a hurry to find another relationship until you’re strong and have developed your own independent identity.

“Just put one foot in front of the other, and you’ll get where you’re going.

Question- Which online dating website is best for a woman, 51, looking for a serious long-term relationship with a man in Toronto? Need Direction Answer- Check out which websites have been in operation for several years, have a solid list of participants, an affordable fee, and rules you find acceptable.

(Some are free, which usually means there’ll be a bigger list but more likelihood of fun-seekers and scammers.)

Then sharpen your skills for assessing others’ profiles.

Be honest in your own - use your own recent, best photo, and state that you want a serious relationship with someone living in your city. Don’t waver on this major goal, no matter how much someone tries to convince you to just have fun, or date long-distance. It’ll disappoint you because it’s not what you want.

I cannot promote a particular website. There are good people on most of them, and scammers too. Be cautious.

TIP OF THE DAY Make sure you don’t just look to someone else to rescue you from a lost relationship.