Gen­tle teach­ing helps sex­ual styles

The Guardian (Charlottetown) - - COFFE BREAK - El­lie Tesher Ad­vice

Q-I’ve been dat­ing a won­der­ful guy for over a year. We moved in to­gether re­cently, and ev­ery­thing’s still great.

He’s fun, re­spect­ful, and we have many in­ter­ests in com­mon.

The is­sue for me is sex. We don't have the same sex­ual "style." I like some­one a bit more ag­gres­sive, who takes con­trol and cre­ates ex­cite­ment.

He’s a lit­tle more pas­sive in the bed­room.

I've brought it up a few times, but noth­ing has re­ally changed. I can count on one hand the num­ber of or­gasms I've had in the last year.

He or­gasms nearly ev­ery time. It's start­ing to make me feel dis­con­nected from him.

I’ve been in re­la­tion­ships where the sex was great but ev­ery­thing else was aw­ful, so I know that sex isn't ev­ery­thing.

How­ever, I’m in my mid-30's and want this to be "the one."

Am I go­ing to re­gret it in the longterm?

Want­ing More

A-You’ll re­gret it if you just keep talk­ing and not teach­ing.

Buy a sex toy that works for you and show him the sex­ual re­lease that you want to feel, just as he en­joys his own.

Get a copy of the an­cient Hindu text, the Kama Su­tra, con­sid­ered the “bi­ble” of hu­man sex­ual be­hav­iour and look at it to­gether.

Text and talk to him sug­ges­tively dur­ing the day (short of send­ing nude self­ies to him at work), to build an­tic­i­pa­tion for in­ti­macy.

Do NOT use words like “ag­gres­sive” vs. “pas­sive.” They’re judg­men­tal sound­ing rather than en­cour­ag­ing.

(One con­cern: If it’s his per­son­al­ity that you find too pas­sive in other ar­eas as well, that can be dis­ap­point­ing in more ar­eas than just sex).

His past ex­pe­ri­ence may be more lim­ited or more con­ser­va­tive than yours. But if he also wants this re­la­tion­ship to be “the one,” he should be will­ing to please you as much as you please him.


It some­times takes gen­tle teach­ing for a cou­ple to adapt their sex­ual style to each other.

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