Gulf sep­a­rat­ing mother, son grows greater than dis­tance

The Guardian (Charlottetown) - - COMMUNITY/ENTERTAINMENT - Abi­gail Van Buren Dear Abby is writ­ten by Abi­gail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Con­tact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los An­ge­les, CA 90069. Abby shares more than 100 of he

DEAR ABBY: I moved over­seas for work when I was 18. My father di­vorced my mom around the same time. I used to come back to the U.S. for two weeks ev­ery year to visit and stay with Mom.

How­ever, for the past eight years she has sent me emails “sug­gest­ing” in a round­about way that I was not to­tally wel­come.

Be­cause of this, I haven’t been back in six years.

For the last 20-plus years I have given my mother about $7,000. Be­cause I’m not wel­come in her home, I told her I won’t give her any more.

She is now show­ing re­gret for her pre­vi­ous emails, but for me it’s too late. Since I’m no longer send­ing money, she will have to sell her condo.

She’s get­ting old and doesn’t have much time left, and I can’t wait un­til she passes on. I de­spise her.

For me it is un­ac­cept­able for a mother to not wel­come her son into her home for two weeks a year. Am I overreacting? Is my level of hate valid? – RE­JECTED SON IN THAI­LAND

DEAR RE­JECTED SON: Not know­ing your mother’s rea­son for im­ply­ing you weren’t wel­come to stay with her, your ques­tion is hard to an­swer. I un­der­stand why you would feel hurt, even an­gry. But look­ing for­ward to the day she’s no longer on this earth strikes me as an over­re­ac­tion.

From what I have read on the sub­ject – as well as per­sonal ex­pe­ri­ence – I have con­cluded that ha­tred is like acid. It hurts the hater worse than the per­son at whom it is aimed.

At this point your mother has lost her son and now she’s los­ing her home. I’d say that’s a large dose of pun­ish­ment for her lack of hos­pi­tal­ity. If you can’t mend fences, then dwell on the pos­i­tive things you have in your life rather than wast­ing time wish­ing her dead.

DEAR ABBY: I’ve been mar­ried to my wife for nine years. She is ad­dicted to Am­bien and pain meds. I love her with all my heart, but the con­stant trips to the hos­pi­tal and emer­gency rooms have left me feel­ing numb. The episodes are all pretty much the same “Ground­hog Day” sce­nario. I’m in so much pain emo­tion­ally.

They treat her be­cause she claims to have lu­pus. The real story is her ad­dic­tion.

My ques­tion is, what do I do? She has been to the hos­pi­tal at least 30 times in our nine years of mar­riage. Please help me help her. Thank you. – TIRED IN TEXAS

DEAR TIRED: You say the peo­ple at the hos­pi­tal are un­aware that your wife is a pre­scrip­tion drug ad­dict. Why haven’t you told them the truth and re­vealed where your wife is get­ting all those pills? For too long you have tol­er­ated a sit­u­a­tion that is de­struc­tive for both of you.

You may love your wife and want to be sup­port­ive, but you can’t save her from her ad­dic­tion.

Only she can do that by ad­mit­ting she’s out of con­trol, seek­ing help and stick­ing to a pro­gram.

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