Dad re­sists com­ing clean about nose job

The Guardian (Charlottetown) - - ENTERTAINMENT - Abi­gail Van Buren Con­tact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los An­ge­les, CA 90069.

DEAR ABBY: I’m a male in my early 50s. As a shy 21-year-old, I had mi­nor surgery to straighten a small (but at the time, to me, gi­nor­mous) hump on my nose. I didn’t tell many peo­ple and it boosted my con­fi­dence, and al­though I can’t say I re­gret it, look­ing back I don’t think it was re­ally needed. I met my wife a few years later and didn’t think it was im­por­tant enough to men­tion, which doesn’t bother me.

What does bother me is my daugh­ter, 23 and hap­pily mar­ried, is com­plain­ing about the small hump on her nose and se­ri­ously con­tem­plat­ing surgery to fix it. She says she’s the only one in the fam­ily with such a nose. Her hus­band and my wife, nei­ther one of whom are fans of mi­nor cos­metic surgery, are urg­ing her to not do it. I have kept my mouth shut so far.

I hate bring­ing some­thing up I’ve kept from my wife all th­ese years, yet I have this nag­ging feel­ing I’m be­tray­ing my daugh­ter by not telling her she has the nose I was born with. I also worry that she’ll find out and feel be­trayed if I say noth­ing. Am I ob­li­gated to tell her? Am I a jerk if I don’t? Does she have a right to know about her father’s true nose? — IN­DE­CI­SIVE DAD IN THE USA

DEAR IN­DE­CI­SIVE: You are be­hav­ing as though a rhino­plasty is some­thing to be ashamed of. It’s not! Speak up and tell your wife your daugh­ter in­her­ited your nose and that fix­ing yours gave you self-con­fi­dence. Then be hon­est with your daugh­ter. She’s an adult. What she chooses to do with the nose on her face should be her de­ci­sion and no one else’s be­cause no one else will be wear­ing it.

DEAR ABBY: A year ago, my boyfriend of two years and I broke up. We had never had an ar­gu­ment. Then one night we did, and we both said things we shouldn’t have. Since that day, he hasn’t spo­ken to me again. He has ig­nored all my phone calls and my at­tempts to work things out. I have tried to move on, but I can’t seem to. I have been dev­as­tated ever since be­cause I truly loved him.

I re­cently started see­ing a guy I like, but when it comes down to it, I can’t let go of my exboyfriend. I am par­a­lyzed by my emo­tions. Mostly I feel be­trayed. He has de­stroyed ev­ery per­cep­tion I had about re­la­tion­ships, like be­ing there for each other through the good and bad. How can I help my­self heal? — MO­TION­LESS IN GE­OR­GIA

DEAR MO­TION­LESS: Not all ro­mances are meant to lead to mar­riage. In­tel­li­gent adults don’t nec­es­sar­ily agree on ev­ery­thing, but they should be ma­ture enough to dis­cuss their dif­fer­ences with­out re­sort­ing to vit­riol. If your ex-boyfriend’s re­ac­tion to a dis­agree­ment was to run for the hills, bet­ter that you learned it af­ter two years rather than, say, five.

I sub­scribe to the phi­los­o­phy that our re­la­tion­ships — whether suc­cess­ful or failed — teach us im­por­tant lessons about life. Some­times we must ac­cept life as it is rather than our fan­tasy of what we would like it to be. Be­cause you haven’t been able to progress be­yond the ro­mance you had with your ex, you will save your­self ad­di­tional pain and wasted time if you dis­cuss it with a li­censed men­tal health pro­fes­sional.

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