‘It’s like a rebirth’
Author Adrian Smith shares his personal – and often painful – path to forgiveness after learning his father had lived a lie
When Adrian Smith first learned of his father’s lies and betrayal, the dark, secret life seemed unforgivable.
Smith discovered shortly after the death of his father, Adrian Smith Sr., that dad had lived a lie. Smith faced the struggle to come to terms with the discovery that his father, who had studied to be a priest but went on to work as a child psychologist for P.E.I.’s Department of Education, was homosexual.
Later, allegations of sexual abuse against his father only further hampered Smith’s attempt to reconcile with the well-concealed past of his late father.
The process was long. It was also painful.
Years were spent in counselling and self-reflection for this recently retired long-time counsellor (he spent 30 years working in education on P.E.I. – 25 of them devoted to counselling and student services).
The outcome, however, has been simply joyous.
Smith details his journey to try to make sense of the secrecy and betrayal – and trying to move on - in his new book called “Finding Forgiveness.”
The book is neither about homosexuality nor sexual abuse.
The book is not even about Smith’s father.
The compelling 217-page book is “very much’’ a counselling guide that blends the personal experience of Smith along with his professional insight.
Smith explains his purpose for writing the book was twofold.
“I thought the first thing was my own personal experience (and) growth – and writing the book was the key to get to that point,’’ says the 55-year-old resident of St. Catherines.
“The other point is I didn’t want the act of writing the book to be selfish. The purpose is to help others.’’
True forgiveness came in stages for Smith.
He would get glimpses of where he wanted to be, at times thinking he was there, only to realize he needed more intense work.
Smith was profoundly impacted hearing the stories of people with similar experiences of betrayal talking of how they felt strongly about having the right to be happy.
Adopting this view was a key step for Smith in attaining a true state of forgiveness.
“When the light kind of came on for me totally was when I got to that point where I also wanted to be forgiven for being judgmental and that’s when it all seemed to come together,’’ he adds.
Who was he not to forgive, he thought. He was not perfect.
He has for the past few years enjoyed life in an unhindered, forgiving frame of mind.
The counselling journey, he writes in his book, had been a successful one.
It allowed him to finally commit to Cheryl, a remarkably patient and loving woman who was willing to wait years for Smith to fully enter her life – and that of her children.
Today, Smith wholly and lovingly embraces his adult
stepchildren and their children as his own.
“It’s like a rebirth for me,’’ he says of his healthy state of forgiveness.
“Family and friends is key. I have a good relationship with all my people, but I would want it to be even better.’’
Smith says forgiving is much easier for him today. In fact, he sees it as a way of life.
“I don’t hold grudges,’’ he notes.
“I don’t judge people… if I notice that I’m slipping, I’m pretty quick to reprimand myself.’’
Today, Smith only has warm, positive memories of his father.
He agrees that Adrian Smith, Sr. did more good than many people do, but also did more
bad than many as well.
“It’s quite a dichotomy,’’ he says.
“I don’t excuse him of the bad stuff – not at all. That’s not what forgiveness is about. But I am able to honour the relationship that I had with him.’’
Smith put a great deal of time into the book, enduring quite a rollercoaster of emotions along the way. Now that the book is done, was it worth the effort or does he need to see how the book is received before answering that question?
“Maybe I am still wrestling with that one a little bit,’’ he concedes.
“I’m still quite concerned about feedback, how family will react to it.’’
Smith, however, definitely does not regret learning that his father lived a lie, learning that he was gay and even learning that his father allegedly committed sexual assaults — claims Smith calls believable.
“It’s been one of the best lessons of my life,’’ he says.
“I don’t think I could be this happy and content where I am now if I hadn’t gone through what I went through.’’
He adds: “I always sensed that something wasn’t right and I don’t think that ever would have been removed (without learning the truth about his father). So even if I hadn’t have found out, I think there always would have been this void or this kind of unknown. I had a lot of questions – trying to explain his behaviour.’’
Forgiving his father – truly forgiving – has removed an internal weight that was hampering the health of his body, mind and soul.
“I am so happy (with) who I am in life and where I am in life – and my health has improved,’’ he says.