Man does not have time for his partner

Q - We met at a mutual friend’s place and periodically saw each other at parties. We were always friendly — maybe even flirtatious, but nothing came of it. Until six months ago, when we began dating.

Initially it was two friends getting to know each other in a different capacity. I played it safe for several months, taking things slow and really getting to know each other. We weren’t intimate until after two months.

When we began dating, he’d moved about an hour away to help his mom and had also begun a new job. I knew these were hurdles but didn’t think they were so insurmountable.

Early on, there was a lot of messaging back and forth, going on regular dates and talking. It was fun.

Six months later, I’m frustrated by the relationship, and am seriously considering breaking up.

What wasn’t an issue before has become one — he doesn’t have time for me. If it isn’t his family, it’s his job. We’ll have plans for Saturday, but he’ll cancel Saturday morning, because either his job has asked him to pick up a shift, or his family’s asking him to do something for them.

I consider myself considerate and logical, but I feel like I’m not a priority now, nor will I be one anytime soon.

I’ve voiced my frustration and he’s promised to make it up to me, but I don’t know if I can believe him.

He’s a really nice guy (nice to a fault), but I’m thinking it’s time I give up on a future with him. What do you think?

Frustrated

A - You don’t love him. There’s no sense of your feeling passion for him. But that’s okay.

You won’t fall in love with everyone you date, and six months is a good shot at getting to know what someone’s really like.

He’s a nice guy, was a good friend, and maybe will be a friend in the future. Not right away.

Breakups always hurt someone, and it’s likely to be him more than you.

Explain to him that you understand the demands that his family and job place on him, and you respect his response to responsibilities.

But, unfortunately, it’s not leaving enough room for your relationship to grow. So it’s better for both of you not to just hang on.

You deserve someone, in time, who’ll make you the priority — and so does he.

Q – I’ve known my work colleague for several years and really like him. He’s a good person.

But sadly, every year something tragic happens to someone in his family.

I never know what to say. Example: One year, his uncle had a heart attack and died during a gym class.

The next year his son was preparing for a competitive run, and though he was eating normally, the strain on his body caused a huge weight loss and he ended up in hospital. He can’t run anymore.

Last year, his mother-in-law died. Now his own mother has cancer.

I want to be there for him, but don’t feel I can intrude on his private life. We don’t have a relationship outside of our workplace.

Concerned Colleague

A - Your caring is evident in the interest you show when he recounts these events.

He does not need heavy discussions at work; he needs to do his job with the support of colleagues who don’t keep reminding him of his personal difficulties.

A simple, “How’s it going?” and a sympathetic ear only when he initiates the chat, is enough. TIP OF THE DAY

A relationship that gives way to all other responsibilities just won’t grow.

By Jacqueline Bigar