IF CANADA RULED THE WORLD . . .
The beer would be wicked good and goalies would be Jamaican
I’ve always been fiercely patriotic; in many ways, my life reads like a list of oft-mocked Canadian clichés.
I’m sometimes polite to a fault—although I’d argue that point. Then again, maybe not. Sorry.
However, with a hockey stick in my hands, I become Marty McSorley incarnate and am more likely to throw a punch than shake your hand.
To top things off, my dad is a Mountie, my favourite band is the Hip, and yes, I do speak French.
The Molson Canadian beer commercials were made for me.
Given the country’s upcoming 150th anniversary, I have been reflecting on my Canadian quirks.
I couldn’t shake this one question in light of all my uniquely northerly traits: what would the world look like if it were run by Canada?
Petty Harbour’s own Alan Doyle said it would do wonders for the game of hockey.
“The first thing is that we’d see great goalies from all the warmest countries in the world, like the best would be from Jamaica,” said Doyle with a laugh. “We’d also mandate that other countries freeze their rivers and lakes. Imagine being able to skate up and down the Amazon.”
Doyle noted that Canada would be strict with other countries.
“We’d have people pledge allegiance to their favourite hockey teams and be bound for life.”
The Canadian empire would also help spread some familiar tunes.
“We’d see Newfoundland music spread everywhere. You’d only hear the jigs and reels in places like South Africa,” said Doyle.
Petrina Bromley, from the iconic “Come From Away” musical, said she was excited by the international implications.
“There’d be no individual nations, just one big world where people of all ethnicities, races, ages, creeds, genders, and sexualities were welcomed warmly,” said Bromley. “There’d be wool socks for every one and the beer would be wicked good.”
Bromley said international disputes would be solved simply.
“Hockey or curling, dealer’s choice,” she said. “Peacekeeping would be the hallmark of every nation.”
Unsurprisingly, Susan Kent and Mark Critch, comedians for “This Hour has 22 Minutes”, had a few witty remarks.
“The world would look weird under Canadian rule,” said Kent. “The Saudi’s would hear Trooper’s “3 Dressed Up As A Nine” and wonder why they’re the ones who’ve gotten so much shit about attitudes towards the ladies.”
Kent also said that Americans would require an IP blocker to watch all of the shows on American Netflix, for fairness’ sake.
Lastly, Mark Critch offered his take if Canada ruled the world:
“Artists like Celine Dion, Drake, Ryan Reynolds, Bieber, Margaret Atwood and more would take over pop culture and prove our cultural domination. Justin Trudeau would become one of the best-known figures on earth, admired by citizens worldwide and treated like a pop star, himself. We would watch while athletes like Sidney Crosby and Brad Gushue win gold and prove we are superior physically to all. Come to think of it, all that has happened, so in my opinion Canadians already rule the world!”