Don’t remain silent about abuse
Q - My live-in partner of three years is kind, hard working, and affectionate.
I wasn’t aware of his cocaine habit until after we moved in together.
On weekends, heí’l stay out with drug-using friends.
He’ll return the next morning high and jittery. But neither my crying, disappointment, nor feeling let down, changes his behaviour.
Each time he tries to assure me that it was “the last time” and apologizes, I feel empty inside. I’ve been patient and loving with someone who’s in denial, and won’t seek help.
Otherwise, we have a loving relationship and I don’t want to give up on him. But I’m unhappy.
A - Stop being in denial, too. He doesn’t change because you’re always there when he returns.
He may never end his drug habit and that’s not the stable, healthy partnership you want.
Tell him it’s over. He’ll either want you more than the drug, enough to try to end his addiction. Or he won’t.
Q -I was abused by the doctor when I went for a treatment for human papillomavirus (HPV).
When I realized it, I was shocked.
I’ve only ever had my husband of 14 years as a sexual partner.
From talking to other women attending at programs for moms with preschoolers, all coming from other countries as I do, I realized I wasn’t the only victim of the same doctor.
None of us had the courage to not fear some consequences to the entire family if we spoke up. Also, we stayed silent because this is a very delicate subject.
I changed to another doctor — it had to be only a female. I could not trust any other male doctor with all due respect, though I know there are great male doctors out there.
I thought I was over this issue but I wasn’t. It’s terrible to have been just another number in somebody’s life, and to know there are men out there who only want sex. I feel sorry for the doctor’s wife.
I had some issues in my marriage and after a while I met somebody. But it’s hard for me now to have full trust in another partner. Do I have any chance to get past this obstacle?
Abused and Untrusting
A - You still have the important chance to report the doctor who abused you.
This is a responsible route to 1) protect other women from being victimized by him; and your own logical path to 2) not blanket all men with distrust.
You’ve found your voice by writing this email, and you can use it with significance, not fear.
Encourage the other moms who saw the same doctor to join you in reporting him to the police and the doctors’ professional association for your jurisdiction.
Readers’ Commentary Regarding Parental Alienation (June 2):
“Ití’ a form of child abuse and a continuation of domestic violence.
“My son, 18, who’s torn apart by his father’s alienation tactics, seeks his unattainable attention and approval.
“He’s skipped years of school and hangs around troubled kids. There’s obvious anger toward me when he doesn’t get his way. His expectations of me are unrealistic and there’s no conscience when he exhibits that anger.
“I’m no longer able to work because of the 17 years of pain and abuse.
“One helpful resource Iím now reading: Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex: What to Do When Your Ex-spouse Tries to Turn the Kids Against You by Amy Baker and Paul Fine.”