Newlywed’s world caves in when truth comes out

The Guardian (Charlottetown) - - COMMUNITY - Abi­gail Van Buren Dear Abby is writ­ten by Abi­gail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Con­tact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los An­ge­les, CA 90069. To re­ceive a col­lec­tion of Abby’s

DEAR ABBY: I dated the per­fect man for two years. When he asked me to marry him, I had to say yes. He was kind, gen­tle, at­ten­tive, easy­go­ing, full of dreams, great sense of hu­mour, an ex­cel­lent provider and sex­u­ally the best.

Three months af­ter our per­fect wed­ding, it all be­gan to un­ravel. I learned he is bipo­lar with manic episodes. He has been mar­ried three times be­fore me and al­ways lost in­ter­est in sex. He says he may be at­tracted to men, then tells me he’s not sure. He also isn’t as good han­dling his fi­nan­cial af­fairs as he led me to be­lieve.

I’m 58, and he’s 59. How could I not have had a clue about any of this? I sold my house to move into the par­son­age with him. Af­ter re­peat­edly be­ing lied to, mis­in­formed or left out of the loop all to­gether, I am now couch-surf­ing, mainly at my ex-hus­band’s house.

I feel tired and bro­ken — no in­come, no home, no re­spect and no hope of him get­ting it to­gether. I would ap­pre­ci­ate any ad­vice or coun­sel. All I have fig­ured out is to start over and re­main sin­gle as he is my third hus­band. — THIRD TIME AROUND

DEAR T.T.A.: You will feel less tired and bro­ken af­ter you have con­sulted a lawyer about help­ing you get out of this fraud­u­lent mar­riage. And while you’re at it, you and your lawyer should bring this to the at­ten­tion of the church coun­cil or who­ever holds the lease on that par­son­age. I am sure they will be very in­ter­ested in what you have to say about the leader of their flock.

DEAR ABBY: When I started dat­ing my hus­band, “Ralph,” 22 years ago, I made it very clear that I would never move to his home­town, which is six hours away. Even though it may seem self­ish, my wish was to be near my fam­ily. Our re­la­tion­ship pro­gressed any­way. We’ve been mar­ried for 15 years, live in my home­town and have three lit­tle boys.

Ralph is 42, home­sick and

wants us to move back home now to be around his par­ents be­cause he’s lived around my par­ents for 15 years. I told him my in­ten­tions were made crys­tal clear be­fore we got mar­ried and I wasn’t mov­ing. His re­sponse was, “So you were worth mov­ing for, but I’m not?”

There are other rea­sons for my not want­ing to move there, but the bot­tom line is that I wish he had been true to him­self be­fore de­cid­ing to marry me. I think it’s a bit late to be play­ing this game. I’d like your thoughts, and please give it to me straight. — STAY­ING PUT

DEAR STAY­ING: OK, here they are. I think your hus­band has a valid point. Mar­riage is sup­posed to be about com­pro­mise, and for the last 15 years he has lived in your com­mu­nity.

I wish you had shared what your other rea­sons for be­ing against mov­ing are, be­cause they might have in­flu­enced my opin­ion. But from where I sit, I think you owe it to Ralph to give it a try. Per­haps you and your fam­ily could rent out the home you’re liv­ing in and rent a place in his home­town for a year. That way, if you can’t ad­just, you would be able to move back near your own fam­ily, which ap­pears to be your first pri­or­ity.

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