Time for different friendship with daughter
Q - My 21-year-old daughter and I have always been very close. We’ve spent lots of time doing different activities together.
She never had very close friends and I enjoyed being with her rather than with friends.
She’s in her third year of University and likes a guy, 31, whom she met online. The agegap really bothers my husband and me, but she says it doesn’t matter.
She’s been with him a couple of months, only went to his place twice. Recently, she stayed all night and didn’t tell us where she was until the next afternoon.
We were very worried and thought something bad must’ve happened. She’s usually reliable although has stayed out late with him.
She says they only slept together without any sex and wants to do this more often but will let me know ahead.
I find it very hard to agree with this.
She’s never been with a guy sexually or had a boyfriend. She says they just want to sleep beside each other but we know what’ll happen soon.
She’s living at home and has only just gotten a part-time job.
Are we wrong to be upset? Because of her age, do I need to accept it?
We’ve had several arguments over this. I don’t want to lose her. At least she doesn’t drink or do drugs, and apparently he doesn’t either.
She’s entering her final year at University and mentioning sheíd like her own place. I’d like her at home as long as possible as I’ll miss her very much.
I know it’d help if I had some close friends, but I find it hard to meet new people I like.
She compromised, saying that she won’t stay all night for a month, but will then want to, and feels she should be able to make her own decisions.
Mother-Daughter Impasse
A - You can’t be best friends with your daughter and also issue parental orders and restrictions without expecting some give and take.
Her choice of an older, presumably more mature boyfriend is unsurprising, since her companionship for years has revolved around you.
Now is the time to be clear (though not harsh or over-anxious) in your mother role about the responsibilities between you two.
While still living at home, she must let parents know if she’ll be out all night or home exceptionally late.
It’s a safety factor for her, and a necessary courtesy so you and your husband don’t worry.
While still financially dependent on you, moving out isn’t taken for granted. It needs to be discussed, with clear understanding of costs, who’s paying what, and whether it’s a loan to be repaid, etc.
As for the boyfriend, get to know him rather than judge/reject him because of his age.
Sex will happen soon enough, even if not with him, so make sure she’s informed about safe sex, and also confident about her right to not consent until she’s ready and willing.
It’s time for a different type of friendship with her — as a loving advisor, asking her only the leading questions that she must start to answer for herself.
Relying on her for your main companionship is no longer helpful to her or to your relationship.
Q-Our same-age neighbor addresses my wife inappropriately: “Hi, Sweetie, Babe!” In front of me once too! She hates it but we both feel awkward to confront it.
Solution?
A - Response: “I’m not your Babe, and only my husband’s Sweetie. How are you otherwise?”
TIP OF THE DAY
Advising adult children requires helping them think for themselves. Living with them requires clear understandings between you.