Lies about divorce, children big red flag

Q - After dating my partner for eight months, I accidentally discovered that he’s divorced (for four years) and has two young children.

He’d previously told me that he’d never been married and had no children.

When I (gently) confronted him, he was initially angry then despondent, saying he wanted to tell me but was afraid I’d leave him over it.

As we live together five days out of the week, he’d obviously gone to great lengths to keep this from me.

He’s otherwise been a kind, generous, and insightful partner who supports all my endeavours.

I’m not against dating a man with children (I have none), but am hurt that he hid this from me and can’t get over it.

He gets irritated when I try to discuss my hurt, so I can’t even be honest about my feelings with him.

Four more months have passed and he still thinks it’s too early to introduce me to his children.

I appreciate that it’s a complicated thing and that he wants to protect them, but it still seems absurd.

Though we spend a great deal of time together, I worry that he doesn’t see me as a serious potential partner, which is why he wouldn’t share this part of his life with me.

In Limbo

A - There are other possible explanations: 1) He believes that the children’s mother will react badly to their meeting you and limit his time with his kids.

Or, 2) He’s afraid of his childrenís rejection of him if they learn there’s another woman in his life.

Neither of these possibilities are easy to handle.

But his delaying a meeting is equally worrisome.

He shows little strength of character in not acknowledging your hurt, and being unclear about what “too early” to meet his children really means.

That he lied at first and has been able to keep this huge part of his life from you is a red flag for any future you might have.

Clearly, he has financial obligations to his children which he never explained, and he’s never been upfront about how he spends his time away from you.

Re-think the whole relationship. Tell him the issue is him, not his children.

Q - I’m 63, a very successful business man married 44 years. We had an agreement that she takes care of the family and house, I manage business and finance.

Like I’m Minister of Revenue and she’s top gun over Public Works.

Eleven years ago I caught her cheating with many partners over two years. With counselling we worked through this, she begged forgiveness, and today I have full confidence in her.

However, she’s become very controlling over what I do, with whom, and when.

She checks my email and texts. Though I worked to purchase our three properties, she decides who comes and goes.

I don’t wish to leave but these arenít happy times for me. Iíve expressed my frustration, she says she’ll change, but doesn’t. I just want her to treat me like I treat her.

Unhappy Camper

A - Over time, the less-powerful (e.g. your wife, initially) can become restless, even resentful.

After all, the “revenue” actually controlled what “public works” were available for her to run.

Her cheating was her rebellion. It was wrong, you forgave her, and then she found her own voice.

Call it an “even” switch that needs to end. Insist you both compromise and arrive at decisions together, not controls. Time for mutually happy years ahead.