ED can have complex effect on relationship

Q - My husband of seven years and I are a blended family with four kids. (Three still live at home, only the youngest is ours together).

For the last year or so I’ve suspected my husband of cheating.

Lately, he’s been text-messaging a woman he’s never met in person, and continually “making plans” to get together - even suggesting that he’ll get a room for the night.

Previously, there was another woman whom he’s had “fun times with,” and touched intimately. He doesn’t talk to her much anymore.

I’ve seen their messages. He admits to the current woman that he already cheated on me once, and that he can see himself with someone else in the future, but he doesn’t want to leave me because of the kids.

When he’s with me, he’s good and affectionate. He usually messages this woman when he’s at work and bored.

I do love him. But I don’t know if I should stay.

We don’t behave any differently than before. He’s always talking about future plans and retirement with me.

When he’s around we talk and behave like a loving couple, a family.

However, we haven’t had intercourse in three years. We play around, etc., but he has erectile dysfunction.

He’s talked to a doctor about it, gets meds, but they don’t help.

I don’t think he’s attracted to me, but these other women look very similar to me (ugh).

I don’t want to upset my kids. He doesn’t know I know anything.

What to Do?

A - The fact of his erectile dysfunction (ED) begs this question:

Does he connect with other women to make himself feel more manly, since he can have “intimate touching” without their necessarily knowing his problem?

I don’t know the answer, nor do you. And maybe he doesn’t either.

But you DO know that he’s making you uncertain about your marriage and future.

It can’t be ignored. Tell him you know what’s going on.

Say also that you love him and want to be together with your blended family intact.

If he wants that, too, then he has to be pro-active about it, rather than skulk around with texts.

He needs to try new treatment, see a specialist, talk to a sex therapist.

Carrying on as a serial cheater is no longer an option for either of you.

Q - I’m 23 with a budding career, and just moved in with my boyfriend of four years.

We love each other, love exploring the city, and often discuss traveling the world. We agree that marriage is our next step.

I used to be sure that I wanted to have multiple children, and often expressed this to my partner and family.

But lately I’m worried that having kids will impede our happiness and adventurousness. Yet I’m concerned I’ll be a disappointment to my family, if childless.

He’s not definite about having kids.

I’m constantly thinking about this issue.

How long is too long to wait before having kids? How can I be sure whether I want one (or not)?

Looking Ahead

A - Your anxiety about having children is premature.

At 23, learning your tastes, interests, and definite needs is a process, not a final decision.

Though some women can get pregnant at 40-plus, some doctors are now advising a start in early 30s to avoid disappointment and/or protracted treatments.

That gives you years ahead of adventure, travel, career, and relationship-building.

You can relax about the timing for pregnancy. Your body/ mind connection will alert you to think about it again, in time.