Hostile separation calls for legal understanding

Q - My wife of 24 years wanted to separate, even after counselling.

Our three older kids seem to have taken it in stride. But my now-ex-wife seems downright hostile.

There were no infidelities on my part. I suspect an affair on her side but without proof.

I moved out and have since found the life that was missing from my loveless marriage.

The financial separation is ongoing; so all our accounts are still joint with me paying all bills.

She’s been continually putting purchases on my credit card, saying they’re for the kids. Untrue. I’ve repeatedly asked her to stop, and gotten upset.

My lawyer suggests that I wait until the financial agreement is fully negotiated.

I can’t tolerate it but can’t cancel the card as it’s tied up with the house and line of credit.

I’m afraid that her vengefulness will carry on through negotiations for spousal support. I make a lot more money than she does, so my monthly support check will be crippling to my standard of living.

Frustrated Ex-husband

A - She had some reasons for wanting the break, and her hostility is related to those reasons. Maybe you know them, maybe not, but they’re the emotional background to your split.

That’s why you need to rely on your lawyer’s advice, not on your reactions.

Or, she may dig in her heels to make you even more uncomfortable.

Your comments on spousal support also show you need further legal understanding.

In many jurisdictions, a marriage – loveless or otherwise – looks at support issues for fairness. If her income is less, as a partner in the marriage she may be entitled to a bigger share of your income than you would choose.

Example: She may’ve earned and worked less because she was more involved with child rearing.

These are the facts/issues that are assessed, not whether one party can maintain a higher standard of living and the other must accept less.

Q - Our one grandson, 25, is addicted to cannabis, alcohol, and benzodiazepines.

Over three years, he’s been hospitalized twice with lifethreatening seizures and now has a serious neurological condition. His parents fear for his life. Currently, he’s living with his mother rent-free, and mostly being fed by her. She feels she has no choice.

This weekend we were at her place when he appeared. He’d been out all night, slept all day. He was high, swaying, mumbling, and slurring words. He smelled bad.

My daughter wants us to ignore this behavior because, when challenged, he becomes verbally abusive and threatens various behaviors including suicide.

I can’t just remain passive. I know he won’t actually listen, but I want to write a letter to him saying I can’t bear to watch him anymore, and so not seeing him anymore.

However, while he lives with my daughter, this means not spending time with her.

This would punish my husband, my daughter, and me! What should I do? Despairing Grandmother

A - Do NOT write that letter. It could be the last straw that he can’t handle, and could lead to tragic results, which will cause you greater despair.

Support his parents. They have the courage to have taken him in and deal everyday with his very worrying behaviour.

Ask your daughter to help you understand what she’s learned about living with an addict. Consider attending a support group meeting for people close to substance abusers and alcoholics, hearing how they’ve handled similar situations.

This is his pain and burden more than yours. Show him love any way you can.