Talk about complexities of ‘blended’ family
Q - I took my blended family of six months on a trip to the coast.
My son’s 13, my stepsons are 14 and 16.
I used my husband’s phone to take pictures of all the boys out in the surf.
I was sending those pictures to myself when I noticed he’d cropped my son out of one of them.
He quickly said that he didn’t know how that happened, that maybe his youngest had done that while looking at the pictures.
I feel strongly that my husband is responsible.
It’s felt like there’s me and my son, and then “them,” with an absence of “us” since we got married.
Is this a normal or even understandable thing for a stepparent to do?
Not Really “Blended”
A - IF your husband did crop out your son’s photo, it was a hurtful move that you need to probe with him.
Yet he denied it.
Use this event to have the discussion you two badly need.
Six months since your marriage isn’t a long time, and the dynamics of bringing three young teenage boys together don’t always flow smoothly.
There could be another explanation, e.g. one of his sons wanting to send the photo to his Mom but thinking she won’t appreciate your son’s image in it.
More important than “who” did this is why.
You two adult parents need to confront the difficulties of everyone adjusting to the complexities of a blended situation.
It starts with both of you feeling you’re now a family, and not retreating to your own side.
It means talking it out openly with the children, and helping them know that being together doesn’t mean they’re abandoning their other parent or associated relatives.
Family counselling can be helpful.
Yet my brother-in-law’s siblings have planned an elaborate funeral.
I agree, out of respect for my sister and her husband, that her son should stay away from it.
But I wonder if he needs to go for his own closure, even though he hasn’t seen his grandfather for years.
I wonder what relatives should do in such a situation.
Uncertain
A - The question of missing a relative’s funeral isn’t uncommon.
Families have rifts, years go by, and the people closely involved stay distant, holding tightly to their hurt.
But other adults, including children of the affected relative, have the right to their own decision.
Their sense of “closure” isn’t necessarily to the deceased, but rather to the disruptive family history.
Your nephew may be the wisest relative.
He’s showing that family members can still get together on significant occasions, and acknowledge their connection despite past rifts. TIP OF THE DAY
“Blending” a family requires parents to help their children adjust and not feel disloyal to their other parent/relatives.