Secrets, nastiness destroy relationships

Q - My first marriage lasted 10 years. It ended due to an affair my wife had with one of her clients.

We eventually settled on joint custody of our children, ages 12, and eight. This arrangement worked great except for ongoing control issues my ex-wife would continually raise.

I remained single for eight years.

My present wife was 15 years younger than me (44 and 29), but she was very mature for her age. Our relationship was electrifying!

She seemed to care for my children, our sex life was amazing, we enjoyed the same music, gardening, etc. We mostly socialized with my friends.

I asked her to move in with my children and me. After several months, she didn’t offer to contribute any money towards the monthly bills or the weekly groceries.

I eventually tried to talk to her about this issue, but she refused to discuss it.

She finally told me it was my issue and she wasn’t changing. If I wasn’t so in love with her, I would’ve ended our relationship, but it was otherwise awesome.

I tried to get her to attend counselling to discuss and understand this issue, but she refused.

In 2004, our first child came and we were very happy. That same year we eloped.

After two more children and 15 years together, nothing has changed.

We both work, and my money goes towards all of the monthly bills and any new house purchases for the house.

She pocketed her money. I have no idea how much she has or doesn’t have.

I’ve discovered over the years that she’s kept secrets from me (creditors to whom she owes money).

I feel she should’ve told me before we were married, but she doesn’t think so.

Over the last five years, she’s started taking out her anger on my adult children (32 and 34).

They rarely visit anymore but continue to say there’s nothing wrong.

When she and I argue, she claims that those children aren’t biologically mine, and I must be blind if I don’t see this!

She’ll say anything to hurt me. Sex is withheld for long periods due to these arguments.

I’ve said I want a divorce but this always ends up with her wanting to make up.

I love her, and probably will never love anyone this much again, but I need peace and love in my life now.

This isn’t a healthy home environment for our children, now 10, 12, and 14.

I’d rather be a single father than remain in this toxic relationship, which has been created by me asking her to contribute financially towards the monthly bills.

Worn Down

A – There’s more than the financial issue here, and it’s not pretty.

Since you’ve been paying all household costs all these years, it seems you can afford to do so, even if it’s unfair since you both work.

But your wife is mean when she gets angry, has secrets that could become seriously problematic, and has alienated your children.

Also, you have no idea what she does with her money and it could be something creating greater debts that could one day cost you as well.

And your younger children are exposed to her meanness as well as your fights.

Divorce won’t be an easy process – she’ll claim needing as much money and support from you as possible, and has probably hidden her own finances already.

And already harsh with you, she’ll likely fight for custody and play dirty.

See a lawyer, you need practical legal advice.

TIP OF THE DAY

Secrets and nastiness are insidious factors that destroy relationships.