Outside drama can destroy a marriage

Q - I worked with a team leader in a civil-war-like environment - you didn’t know who was really with or against him.

Some of his harsh words gave me an anxiety attack.

However, I noticed signs of suicidal thoughts from him, tried to show empathy and help him. But because he acted superior, I failed the first time.

He asked me to do many things that weren’t my job.

Finally, he realized that I was reaching out. But when I was on his side, others started to hate me, too.

Then, he tried to help me too. In my personal life, I’d suspected my husband was cheating. I was thinking of ending it.

I tried to forgive him after he denied it, and I signed up for online counselling. For weeks I received emailed reasons to get back together.

At work, the other man started to show interest in me.

He wrote very personal messages that got to me but I couldn’t forget the red flags of his past events.

There were days I’d leave everything and follow him, but other days I thought I wouldn’t want to live in the shadow of somebody else.

Is This Good or Bad Love?

A – It’s drama and distraction, not love.

Your work environment is intense, you showed kindness to a very difficult man, now he’s showing interest just when you have doubts about your marriage.

Had you met this self-absorbed man socially when single, it’s unlikely you’d have dated him.

He’s taking advantage of your personal vulnerability.

You owe your marriage some deeper thought.

Individual online counselling can be very helpful, but a marital breakup decision requires hearing both sides.

You need to discuss, together, why you thought your husband was cheating, what behaviour of yours might’ve led him to distance (if he did) and perhaps feel you were less interested in him (more absorbed with your workplace “civil war.”).

Get couples’ counselling in person, to have professional guidance through any misunderstandings and hurts that need to be aired.

Tell your colleague to cool it. And do so, as well.

Q - My fiance and I recently had a baby and live with his mother, who’s financially dependent on him to pay her mortgage and bills.

She’s a toxic, bitter lady which my fiance admits.

They’re constantly in monthslong heated arguments.

I want to move out because of that, especially since having the baby.

She always undermines me. I even caught her bad-mouthing me to the baby.

That pushed my limits and now I resent her. I don’t want her around my baby.

She’s also overbearing ñ she snatches the baby from me and takes him into her room for hours.

Am I wrong for wanting to move out and limiting her with the baby?

Upset New Mother

A - What you feel isn’t wrong. But this situation calls for more than an angry revolt.

You need respect from her. She deserves understanding for her precarious financial situation.

Her son must help her see that their arguments are harmful for all.

Without issuing threats of non-support or ending her contact with the baby, you and your fiance must try to find some decent solutions to offer her.

Perhaps the house sale, for example, could pay for two apartments near each other.

Maybe an agreed schedule could provide her regular time with her grandson and specific time for you to have time for yourself.

If you don’t all compromise, these relationships will all be badly affected.