Will robots destroy humanity?
We are doomed. The robots are unstoppable.
I don’t mean doomed in the sense of my previous — now laughably cute — worries about warehouse robots, Amazon drones, or even Shoppers Drug Mart automated checkouts.
Having a job will be the least of our worries. I mean that we will die at the hands of these … things, these metal robots that look like barrel-chested men with arms and legs. They can walk on rocks, do Olympic-style long-jumps, hop, do backflips.
Actually, the BigDog developed for the U.S. military for transport looks like a bug on four legs as it carries backpacks like a mule. It was rejected for being too noisy for stealth work. But the SpotMini is a dog. A yellow metal animal with an internal computer, it races, and holds doors open for fellow yellow dogs.
SpotMini scares me witless. This makes no sense unless you’ve seen the nicely nihilistic “Metalhead” episode of Charlie Brooker’s great drama series Black Mirror, where killer robot dogs pursue the last remaining humans by shooting trackers into their flesh and following the trail. There is no escape.
Written and directed by bleak Brits, filmed in black and white, brief and to the point, “Metalhead” has dogs that can drive vans, recharge in daylight, do self-repairs, hack computers with a USB key, and kill with a whirling stump like an electric drill. They leave large tunnels inside people.
The videos of Boston Dynamics’ robots from last year already look dated, so quickly are the beasts’ skills growing.
In 2017, Google’s parent company, Alphabet, sold Boston Dynamics to Softbank, a Japanese company, which seems crazy to me.
Surely a punitive nation like the U.S. would treasure such murderous technology. Trump could happily use it on Mexican immigrants and Guatemalan caravans.
To those who say I shouldn’t assume that robots will be used in malign ways — a robot has a controller after all — imagine the CIA’s Gina Haspel controlling a robotic squad. They could do a beautiful job of torturing a prisoner while Bloody Gina looks on, smiling. Robots don’t cry. Neither did Gina.
Softbank is also working on humanoid assistants, which are female robots with emotions, the Guardian reports. Where will that end? I think you know where.
BigDog used a gas-powered engine, as do cars. Smaller electric-powered dogs carry much smaller loads, but are quieter, as are electric cars.
In Gary Shteyngart’s Super Sad True Love Story, people display self-rating devices called äppäräts displaying net worth, credit ranking, attractiveness, health and so on.
In Black Mirror’s hellish “Nosedive” episode, people live in a world where they are granted visible social points based on wealth, subservience and likability.
Between “Nosedive” and “Metalhead,” the ones that scare Brooker himself, I came primed to see malevolence in machines while others see only automated assistance.
I will always favour the human, but the human will always lose.
So I ask, what will you do when a robot is sent to pick up an envelope at your office? And you don’t have it. You say no. To a robot. Yellow dogs don’t like that.
An airline desk robot cancels your flight or your presence on the flight. You can’t argue with a robot. It declines to rebook or send you to another robotic airline. You ask to see the supervisor robot. But robots like systems. They don’t like irregularities. You are the irregularity.
So a drilling noise starts. A programmer with a cratering hangover shipped this particular robot. Minuscule crucial things slipped past him.
You might end up with a large symmetrical hole drilled through you. Or you could run from the robot, put on dark glasses and change clothes in the washroom. But say China has licensed its facial recognition to corporate Canada. You cannot hide.
On the bright side, robots can assemble Ikea furniture, which is more than I can or wish to. And my Japanese toilet lights up when I enter the room. At least someone does.
Will robots be the death of us or our helpful servants? It doesn’t matter. The choice will not be made by us.