Silence about cheater risks upheaval
Bridge
In response to the question, “Should you out a cheater?” (June 6), here were some responses:
Reader #1 – “When I inadvertently discovered that the guy who was engaged to a very good friend of mine was a serial cheater and was currently cheating on her, I deliberated long and hard about disclosing the fact to her.
“However, I felt that if I were in her situation, I myself would definitely want to know.
“So I told her.
“She went into denial and made every possible excuse for him. She wasn’t upset at me for telling her, but she just plainly didn’t want to hear.
“After they were married, we lost touch. But we ran into each other a few years later. She was divorced. When I asked when she knew the marriage wasn’t going to work, she replied, “The night we got married.”
Reader #2 – “Tricky question. For most honest people, and me the answer would be a resounding ‘Yes’ but I’m still torn.
“This is why: A friend’s daughter had a large, expensive, classy wedding after a very long courtship.
The young man and his family seemed like genuinely warm, kind people.
“After several months of marriage, my friend’s daughter received an anonymous message telling her that if she wanted to find out what her husband was up to, to check ‘x’ place.
“She went to the place and caught the husband and a young woman ‘in flagrante delicto’ (in the midst of sexual activity).
“She immediately and filed for divorce.
“When the news came out, the immediate circle of close friends called and/or texted each other asking who’s blown the whistle.
“They finally determined it was likely the affair partner herself, tired of being the ‘other woman,’ since no one in their group had done it.
“They’d all known he was cheating before the marriage!
“They had decided, in order not to hurt the future bride, to keep the secret in the hopes that the fiance would end the affair before the wedding. He hadn’t.
“The situation faced by my friend’s daughter would lead us to believe we should ‘out’ the cheaters.
“However, in other cases, for a single instance of deceit, or where the couple had children (my friend’s daughter did not), silence might be best.
“Yet I’m still more of the opinion that honesty is usually the left him best policy.”
Reader #3 – “I was with my ex for over 18 years, married for 16.
“He cheated with a woman at work and left me with our four young children who had health issues.
“Fast forward 20 years. He’s married to the woman he left me for and they have teenagers. He also has a girlfriend. I believe his wife knows – she’s a smart woman - but chooses not to confront him to protect the kids.
“I recently ran into them and very briefly considered outing him.
“I decided not to say a word. The old adage is true in his case - If they do it with you, they’ll do it to you.
“He had an affair when he was married to me, with his current wife. Now he’s married to her and having another affair.
“Not worth it for me to speak up.”
Ellie - After reading the June 6 column, two women - both divorced after discovering that their husbands were having affairs - told me strongly that they’d wished they’d been told.
Learning later that some friends held back, they ended those friendships.
TIP OF THE DAY “Outing” a cheater can lose a friend. But silence risks greater upheaval to the betrayed partner.