Explain feelings rather than argue limits
Q - My husband travels overseas often, for work and training. Co-workers from around the world also attend these training courses.
After several relationshipdefining discussions (i.e. arguments), I’ve made peace with the fact that he becomes friends very easily with these men and women. Most of them he’s known longer than he’s known me.
However, I’m uncomfortable regarding one female colleague. She has a history of cheating on her partner.
One of her flings was with a co-worker whom my husband also knows.
She and my husband often message each other on Facebook and WhatsApp.
They share what, in my opinion, are intimate details of their lives.
This was the focal point of one of our arguments, as I didn’t want my details shared with a stranger.
She has a track record. Though my husband gives me no reason to distrust him, I’d like my feelings at the forefront of how he interacts with her.
Chances of meeting her myself and getting to know her are slim, since we’re on opposite ends of the country.
Am I out of line to suggest that he keep the relationship strictly professional, for my sake and peace of mind?
Uncomfortable Wife
A - It’s the woman whom you distrust, not your husband. That’s the message you can convey (not argue), so long as you don’t suggest that he’s too weak to resist her.
Soften your approach. Explain that, for a wife who can’t attend these overseas gettogethers with all their casual camaraderie, the thought of a proven fling-seeking woman who’s already his friend, is unnerving.
Add, too, that you worry that she’s already too interested in details of his marital relationship with you.
Don’t question his professionalism. Stay with what you feel: You love him and don’t want to worry when he’s away.
If you two are still arguing about this after that conversation, and he doesn’t adequately reassure you, there’s more distrust about this than you admit.
Q - The daughter of my husband’s best friend of 40 years, is getting married. He’s informally invited my husband.
This man’s a con-artist, a drinker, and uses people (including my husband). He once borrowed our boat, broke it and never offered to repair the $15,000 damage. Out of respect for my husband, I’ve tolerated him for 23 years.
Recently, I told my husband that I don’t have to also be friends with this man. My husband sees him secretly for a daily beer and sometimes on weekends.
I always find out. I don’t mind if he goes out occasionally with him, but I do mind the secrets and his terrible influence.
Do I attend the wedding for my husband’s sake? Do I tell my husband he can go but I’m not accompanying him?
I feel that if I go, I won’t be true to myself. I feel my husband puts his friend’s feelings before mine and I must stand my ground.
Not in a Celebratory Mood
A - It’s already clear that you don’t like your husband’s friend, (and with cause).
But not attending the wedding will appear insulting to your husband, not the man who won’t care.
And it’s a shame to not help a bride have a celebratory wedding, wishing her well in person.
Being a supportive partner, publicly, when it counts, and attending the innocent couple’s wedding are, for me, about your marriage bond.
Your husband’s secretive because he’s a loyal friend.
He should be more open and you should not care, so long as he’s not neglecting you.