Avoid seeking relationships when life is in flux

Q – I’m 48, a gay man who was in an on-off relationship with another man since I was 21. Four years ago, we entered into a non-sexual relationship. I left him last October.

Since then, I’ve had difficulty being financially stable, having had to quit full-time school to work full-time, plus care for an elderly dog, all not very successfully.

It’s been four years since I’ve had sex/intimacy with another man. I’m uncomfortable with sex apps. I don’t sit in bars seeking men. I’m old-fashioned.

I want to have sex, but it’s starting to become a conundrum. Sex isn’t as important as it was at 25, but it’s still important. I’d like to have a relationship. What should I do?

Mid-life Decisions

A-You’re changed your life dramatically and now need to focus on adapting to one challenge at a time. Most people in their 40s are past full-time schooling or find ways to afford it. If your previous partner was supporting you financially, having to work full-time is a major new reality.

So, for now, you don’t have the time required to find a lover and build a relationship without using dating/sex apps.

Also, having your life in flux isn’t the best nor most attractive time to start a relationship. Focus on your job.

When more settled, start going to events/activities that interest you and meet new people. In a diverse community you’re bound to meet other gay men in situations where you can get to know them.

When you connect with someone, having sex again won’t be problematic.

ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY

Don’t seek a relationship when your life is in flux. Focus on major challenges first.